:: Closing Time ::

:: Monday, May 20, 2002 ::

I'm very, very quickly realizing just how liberating these things are. I can say things here that maybe I wouldn't have the strength to say elsewhere, or to the right people, or to all the people.

Like how I realized that when I was with Ashley, I kind of cut off a lot of other female connections. Was that me trying to be loyal? Basically. Was that me being fucking dumb, and cutting off a lot of friends? Absolutely. In those five months I basically forgot to show everyone how much I cared about them.

Y'know, I don't think I've told anybody what happened between me and Ashley. Probably because it sounds like bullshit, but I'm almost 100% sure it's not. I'll cut to the chase; from day one, her friends didn't like me. I kinda got the feeling that my friends didn't like her, but I said fuck that, they just don't know her. I tried to make that end work.... wheras she just decided to keep me away from them, and them away from me. So the animosity towards me grew, especially as I took more of her time. Exact words, "[Friend] doesn't like sharing me." I was like, what the fuck, are you or are you not your own person? I couldn't say it though. So eventually her friends told her it was me or them, and she chose them. Then three days later she tells me she made a huge mistake and we get back together, but sort of in secret as far as she's concerned, but I say I can't do that and so she says ok, I'll deal with them. Well, she didn't deal with them and when it came to the point where to satisfy her friends we couldn't be together in public I said I can't handle that. So she said goodbye.

Tough break? Yeah. Tougher still that I basically had to/have to (since some of them basically still have shut me out) remake my friends at the end of my senior year. I don't know why a lot of them left me; did I do something wrong? Don't you think you could have fucking told me, or said something, instead of just shutting the door?

Moral of the story: Maybe what I felt tonight was me finally reaching out and trying to make friends again. But it is now the 20th, and it just seems like too little, too late. T minus 5, and T minus 10.

And counting.
:: Peter 12:47 AM [+] ::
...