:: Closing Time ::

:: Saturday, May 18, 2002 ::

So I finally did it..... I gave in to blogging. I can't believe anybody would actually read this; I know I don't usually read other people's. But I read one today which was being used well, and I thought I'd try. I ought to be able to say anything here, things I don't want to really have to say.

To be honest, I really don't want to be leaving. Yes, I dislike this school and high school, but I'm scared half to death of losing my friends. Sometimes I feel the people who I want to be better friends with aren't my friends at all. Sometimes I think I'd be right.

Case in point. Nobody ever IMs me anymore. Years ago, people would randomly IM me and we'd just talk. Now, it seems nobody does. And anybody I ever try to talk to is talking to somebody else. I've only ever loved two things in life; music, and people. The phone doesn't ring, and now nobody IMs me. It's odd, it's hard. I never talk to a lot of people I'd like to.

It's hard to believe it's really ending, and this soon. And it's hard to believe this prom shit. Maybe that deserves its own post, but this is going to be a long one and you can deal. It looks like I'm not going to prom; funny, because I really wanted to. Everyone just tells me to go alone, well maybe, just maybe people don't know me.

In 18 years, I don't think anybody once has picked up on that insecurity. At least nobody has told me.

Prom. I can't even type the word. I bookmarked the poll I put up (http://talon.dnsalias.com/poll/test.php) and put it on my task bar, and I had to change "prom" to "morp" because I didn't want to talk to my mother about it. I've had to turn away a lot of people, because I don't want to talk about it. Basically what it comes down to is that I was going to ask somebody, hell I might have asked somebody else, but yet SOMEHOW people decided that everyone should know before vacation. Funny, because I decided -not- to ask her before vacation because I thought she might feel awkward. Shows what the fuck I know. Asked a friend from out of town; she couldn't go because she got into trouble with her family. I didn't go to anything after cotillion this year. I wish I knew why; if I at least definitively knew it was me I could go drown my sorrows. But was it my girlfriend? Was it somebody else? I don't know. Do people basically just leave me out? It's been known to feel that way. I was honestly surprised, and (especially if you're reading this) appreciative when I got invited to dinner before prom. Despite the fact that I'm probably not going. But at this point the last thing I need is another hack at that insecurity; dinner with 10 friends, all sort of coupled. There's a reason you can't put an odd number of people at a dinner table neatly.

Blog on, I said to myself. Blog on.

I think about who knows me, who knows things about me. Who I've talked to. I wonder if anybody knows where I went to camp, and what I did there. I wonder if anyone knows what I waste all my time doing. I wonder if anyone cares.

This blog is getting too long.
:: Peter 12:14 AM [+] ::
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