:: Closing Time ::

:: Thursday, June 20, 2002 ::

So something big is happening.

This may sound like an obvious statement, what with our all going to college. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm not even talking about the fact that I'm never going to see half of you again, and those who I know I will I won't see anywhere near as often -for the rest of my life- as I have in just the past couple of years. It's not that.

Something's changing in me, and with everyone else. I can't put my finger on it. But I'm becoming somebody else.

I think I prefer the new me. And I hope I can take this new me to college, and start a good life with myself. It's too bad everyone sees me the way they want to, instead of the way I am. But I guess I've given them reason to; I mean, I've spent a few years trying to live up to their expectations. I made the mistake of allowing everyone else to cement an image for me. I never expected this to be what I became, but it's all that even sort of worked so I let them and their expectations hold me there. I can put my finger on the day everything changed. Almost even the moment.

So tonight is page one of my tell all. The good, a bit of the bad, but basically everything people should know.

It's almost two and a half years ago now. My first Winterstate, my first JSA convention. Really my first activity as part of this group, where I'm kind of an outsider but building a name for myself. I'd be having a lot of fun and doing really well in my committee. Written a bill that passed both houses so well that it wasn't even moved on because of the conceviable lack of debate; well, I guess there's such a thing as too much success. I was having fun. And to be honest, a good bit of that was because of the people I finally got to spend time with. At this point Natalie and I were really good friends, and the most time we'd spent together was the past few months in pit orchestra, under Mr. Scott. Effectively, my game; she'd played viola of course but I'd worked with Mr. Scott. It was my clubhouse, and we were cool with that, but now she'd brought me to hers. JSA. I liked being able to spend time with a good friend, and we'll get more to that.

Then there's everyone else. Andrew, Ben, Christine, all cool people, some better friends than others but generally good times all around. Sharif, Fred, Munier2, people I didn't know so well. But it was fun. Kim? Kim was the wildcard, cause she showed up once and was gone (and she was hot, what can I say). She seemed fun but I was honestly surprised she had anything to do with JSA the way she struck me. Nevertheless, a lot of cool people.

And then.... Mallory.

Do I need to run a biography on myself and Mallory? You know what?

Why the fuck not?

So I fell for her in seventh grade. This is gonna start looking pretty pathetic; if you care about any respect you have for me, you should probably stop. Right now.

Space for you to stop in:

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Time's up. So, I fell for her in seventh grade and we sort of had a one month "relationship" which to be honest neither of us were anywhere near ready for, and nothing happened except somehow she decided she hated me. Hmm, how bout that. I actually heard those words from her mouth a few times, and then there was the whole throwing out my jazz band note to try and get me in trouble with Mr. Muldoon thing. She started a prank war with me, which she lost (hmm, how bout THAT?). But well, we split. Hard. I took it pretty hard, being my first breakup and my first case of -really- falling for somebody, but I moved on. Mostly with the help of a few other really good friends; Sasha, Ashley, Matty, Kara. Bet you see a few names in there you didn't expect.

So I moved on until well, freshman year. Everything fell apart. Kara went to Dana hall, Ashley and I never saw each other in class, and I had geometry with Mallory. And a common enemy. Always believe what people tell you about common enemies; it's real. We kinda formed (at least I think) a silent bond over our absolute despisal (despite?) of Ms. Carmody. It became less silent near the end of the year when she moved to the back corner of the room with me because "she couldn't see all of the board." I never knew quite what to make of that. (That class was also mostly responsible for my friendship with Natalie. Funny how a class I detested has had such an overall positive effect on me.) Nevertheless, for a bit, we became good friends.

Dare I say, I became unsingle. That relationship, an aside, was a mistake. No questions asked. But it sure as hell seemed to attract Mallory's attention? Who knew, I certainly didn't get it. But at some point the flirtation became unmistakable and I realized I couldn't stay in a relationship I had basically no emotional involvement in when I was re-developing feelings for someone else. So I ended it and.... that also ended the game. Did I notice it? No. You also want to believe what people tell you about the occasional girl who wants what she doesn't think she can have; at least at that point, I'd met one. Once I was single, she'd won, and the game was up. Ouch. We won't go into detail as to how that ouched, but it did.

So well, that's how we get to JSA. It had been basically six months of glances and silence; we both knew where we stood and how each other felt, basically. Yet we get to JSA.

This next part.... as I'm writing, I think could be a HUGE mistake. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. But I can't stop here. You're my friend and one of the best I've had at the times I've needed friends most, but this is my tell all.

Winterstate managed to house not only the very slight two way tension between me and Mallory, but also the significantly more potent tension between Mallory and Andrew. How he felt was clear; how she felt was not. What WAS clear was that she wasn't ready for anything even if she would be at some point, and he was... pushing. Very slightly, but it was there, and clear. To his credit it was tactful, and with any other girl would have been more than fine, but Mallory to that point wasn't very good at telling people no. I should know, she never -actually- said it to me. A very very tense moment, and a slightly saddened look in her eyes. I wouldn't even call it a failing that she couldn't bring herself to hurt me. She could have put me down like a lame dog, and although she couldn't say yes she was too nice to say no. To the same extent, she wasn't going to do it to Andrew. They were/are good friends, she wasn't going to crush that. So she lived in tension for the sake of friendship. Well, it started with eyetalk, and then friendtalk, and then gossip. Then handtalk, and subtley. Basically.... for a day, I distracted him. Kept her busy. Kept them apart.

The consequence. I spent a lot more time with her than I had in years, all in a day. Honest smiles, warmth, very good friendship. Eight months earlier it had clearly been more, but maybe today it wasn't. Did I make a mistake? Only she can tell you, and I haven't asked. Either way, I felt more than what I now think was there. And got attached.

Oops.

The next day.... suddenly it seemed like the tables were turned. It was as if Andrew was cutting -me- off, but it wasn't just him. She was maneuvering away from me, keeping away, not talking to me. And using him as a shield against me? I might have been paranoid, but I snapped. Snapped hard. I had never felt more used, more head-gamed, and more toyed with. Likely, it was entirely unfounded, but that's how I felt. So I dissapeared, and started walking.

Any of you who have ever seen me go on walkabout as I call it.... this is also when that started. I started walking, walking, walking. Looking for something, someone to snap me out of a moment of depression. A moment as deep as I'd felt in many years, and maybe deeper than ever.

I got back to my room, and although the person I'd hope would come was Mallory, the one who showed up was Natalie. I will -never- forget that. When I first hit bottom, started changing, changing fast, Natalie came to see if she could help. I thanked her but told her I needed some time to myself; I did. And she left, but told me where she'd be. That's when I knew for sure I had a really, really good friend.

But something changed in me, lying back on that double bed. I lay back in front of the TV, on to something I can't remember. Khaki shorts, gray t-shirt. I felt vulnerable, and hit. And I drowned my sorrow in anger, and I said fuck it. Today, I'm different. I took the damn short sleeved gray t-shirt off and I put on the suit of armour I'd wear for years. A long sleeved black t-shirt, and dark green cargo pants. I changed out of my sandals and into my combat boots, which I had barely started wearing. I went into the bathroom, got the gel out, and spiked my hair. And I went downstairs to fight the world.

So that's how I got to where I am, the mindset I've been in. That's where the wearing black comes from. The combat boots. The aggression; it's how I dealt with fear. I fought the world to prove to myself that I was stronger than that which I was afraid of.

That's my story. The funny ending? I went downstairs and Mallory actually did come and find me, and we had a talk, and I felt better. But not better as the person who I was before, better as the person I was now. Chance and timing had convinced me subconciously that the metamorphosis I'd gone through had solved the situation at hand.

... and when we were in our room after curfew, Mike Munier asks me "So, you and Mallory.... " .... and I tell him "We had a talk."

..... "Is that what they're calling it these days?"



Jeff and Grey snickered.
:: Peter 2:16 AM [+] ::
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