:: Closing Time ::

:: Friday, July 19, 2002 ::

So I worked my ass off all afternoon planning tonight, after only having gotten 3 hours of sleep last night because I forgot I had a doctor's appointment early today. But I still made like a hundred phone calls, got people together to go get food, and all in all I thought planned what was going well as a fun evening.

I didn't invite Ben because I knew James was around.... and well, bucko and I.... yeah. I'm not even going to get started on that. If you want me to ask me in private. But let's just leave it at the fact that I don't like him. It doesn't bother me if some of you do... that's your business. But I planned tonight because I hadn't had a fun, friends evening in a week and I wanted one. And somebody had James crash the party.

Ugh. I wanted to say so much, wanted to do so much. Got so mad. So mad that certain people are treating other people like shit, when they get nothing but service and dedication in return. So mad that it's my friends who are getting mistreated. So mad that I put all my work into what I thought even though we weren't sure what to do was still a great evening, having a lot of fun.... and it all just sort of came crashing down. James I guess was just the icing on the cake, although the .... no, I said I wouldn't get into that here. But somebody decided to take things into hune's own hands. I'm not even sure who it was, and I'm certain it wasn't intentional. But... it doesn't make it hurt less. It just sucks to put this work in and come out feeling lousy about the whole thing.

We should have sent Matt home, and gone with those girls at Jordan's. That's what ended up happening anyhow ten minutes later, only we went home to play video games instead of meeting new people. Moral of the story, never pass up an opportunity. Matt had a commitment he had to keep.... damn though. It just seems like he doesn't get to have any fun anymore.

Every so often I feel like I lose a friend for the same reason.

We didn't see Richard, we didn't see Bonnie. I guess Richard was supposed to call and didn't; I guess maybe he didn't really want to see us. Personally, I wouldn't blame him. God knows most of us haven't been the best of friends.

Certain people get more attractive every day. And certain relationships strain further. And certain people make more assumptions. And certain people care less. And certain people just.... certain people do things I wish others would. Certain people I can't thank enough, that I can't return favors to. Every day things get a little more... of everything. Sometimes I just want it to be over, and to be at college in DC. To start over, to make new friends. Other times I don't want it to end because I know I'll never have this again, ever. Not with the same people. Sometimes I just want to smile, and chill, and laugh, and relax. Usually.... all these times are short. Because something snaps them.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow. I wonder what will happen at Mykl's. These are all truthtellers.... and stories remain untold. Things remain undone. Do I wish some would happen.... yes. Do I know some can't.... yes. Do I think some have to .... yes. Do I know some won't.... yes.

There was a time that I would have sworn one of you felt like I do now, except it simply wasn't opportune then. I think that was the point, and now it's just a general game of cat. There's no mouse anymore, the world is the mouse. The world.

I'm making no sense to anybody but myself. I think. Unless this is you. And it's clear.
:: Peter 1:14 AM [+] ::
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