:: Closing Time ::

:: Thursday, August 15, 2002 ::

Hey so here's something of a tell more, and something of a blogging explanation.

A lot of you have told me stuff, like you don't know how I can just open up to people like this. Some of you have blogged it, and others have said they want to try, or said they're afraid. Others still have opened up even more than I have, because they're that confident. Well here's my explanation, my story.

I touched on it blogging last night when I mentioned having to make up 18 years it two months - what it comes down to is that I see my high years school as an abysmal failure. Think about it. What's your high school carreer supposed to consist of?

Learning to get work done

Heh.... I accomplished everything I need to, but I know and we all know I could have done better.

Get into college

Well.... let's be honest. I didn't get into my college of choice, and I'm not even 100% sure that would have been my college of choice if I'd worked harder at the search process. And I probably could have would have if I'd forseen the dissapointment and put in the work that I could have. I'm going to a school I'll be happy at but far away from my mother, which I'm really upset about. Because I failed to do what I needed

High School Romance

Heh, capital letters there. It's a storybook style, but honestly a lot of people have it. A whole lot of people.... and as I think about it, only a few of my friends (myself included) really didn't. Yes, towards the end of the line I had a girlfriend for five months.... but as a few of you might have figured out (I've never really told anyone) it was pretty clearly doomed from the start by situation, and stressed constantly. There were very few good days. Add into that my four year flirtation with idealism and you've got a whole lot of heartbreak and a painful reality check.

Succeed at and be recognized for what you enjoy

This is more of an idealogical thing but for a whole lot of people it IS realistic, and if you can pull it off it really can put some kind of a cap on your pride, your accomplishment. To be proud of yourself is crucial, but for others to publically acknowledge you.... well, it sure as hell helps your spirit. For me, a failure to forsee this desire cost me - As a few of you may know by now, Chad attempted to (as has often been dong w/ musical awards) give the senior choral award to both Kate Hess and myself. In the end, Kate was the only one who got it - and don't get me wrong, I think she's earned it. But so did I.... and Dr. Niccolucci vetoed it, on the grounds of my conflicts with Ms. Tremblay, my open criticism of her, and my blatant defiance of them in Germany in the face of their lying to our parents, endangering the health of a friend, and utter disrespect for the students under their control. Personally I don't see what the fuck that has to do with my performance as a senior choral member - I'm damn proud of my contribution to that program. My failure to forsee just how much recognition would come to mean to me cost me.

Aside: There are other unsung heroes of the choral program as well... it's hard to call Chris unsung because of how often he gets recognized for excellence in other things, but he's rarely in our school been recognized for his sheer musical talent and leadership. Then there's Natalie - a rock solid three year member of a group that has done some amazing things had had all sorts of troubles, just like every other group. She's excelled for them during good times and bad, but because she's a non-confrontational person by her nature her personal achievement goes somewhat unrecognized sometimes. She's never let personal problems get in the way of her contribution to the group. Some of you may think oh, she's your friend, of course you say that - you obviously don't know me well enough. I don't give anyone credit for anything they haven't earned. Then there are folks like Joanna. You all probably know I don't really like Joanna much - we clash in general, but I can't help but respect her perseverance with the whole process. She's a good and dedicated singer, and for one reason or another through three opportunities and auditions never made a select group. I don't know how it feels - I made Rice Street on my first try, and 2:00 Jazz Band on my second. BUT I -DO- know how I felt after my second jazz band audition when I was thinking.... if i don't make this, I might just quit. I was ready to. And I know one person at least who after not making a select choir in hune's 3rd audition, dropped Concert Choir and all singing groups just out of bitterness.... that's not the kind of singer who -belonged- in a select group. Joanna is the type of singer who keeps at it because she loves it, and is a priceless member of the groups she participates in because of that. I hate the feeling that she was something of a victim of circumstance, because when you look at next year another one of those persistant auditioners - Andy Brown - has finally made it. I hope Andy does well next year, and I think he's got a chance at it, but I know Joanna was clearly, -clearly- better at the beginning of her senior year than Andy is now.

Just some examples of unsung heroes I wanted to talk about.

Yeah, but high school. Off topic now I'm out of details of things I feel like I could have/should have done, and didn't. But I don't feel a whole lot of stuff that I should have done and DID. JSA? I let a personal conflict come between me and something I really loved.... that was a huge mistake. Rice Street, and the rest of the music I made? That.... that I enjoyed, but I always know I could have done better if I'd worked. Like the rest of school academically, I happened to be decently good at making music just because of who I am, and although it was "good enough" to get me into something I wanted to do, I basically feel like I let everyone down by not putting everything I know I could have in every aspect, every time. Some people I know did.

So high school.... was a failure.

What good DO I take away from it? Very little by numbers, but a few things that are of crucial importants to me. A firm belief in my ability to read people, and an understanding of what that means in relation to others. And more importantly, some of the best friends I think I'll ever have. Friends I really DO intend to stay in touch with through college, and maybe forever. Natalie, Sasha, Matt, Jack, Alex. Probably Andrew, at least to some extent.

The rest of you? I wish we could stay in touch. I really, really do, and I really, really want to. But we were never even in touch enough when we were all here - mostly, I think because you didn't want to be in touch with me. At least not actively. If you never made the attempt don't expect me to do the same. I tried for years and now you know what? I give up on you. If you have a change of heart and start talking to me, maybe I'll start caring about you again, but I've pretty much figure out who my real friends are. DeSantis is right - it's a label I've used too lightly.

So high school was a failure. This is why I can blog.

I've pretty much decided I don't give a fuck what the rest of you think of me as long as you think of me for who I am. So here we go - part one of my tell all. Let's talk about all the people you may think you know how I feel about and you really, really don't. Starting... now.
Bonnie. Chronlogically, she moved here in fourth grade and everyone knew she was cute as hell from the start. So there's an inclination to try and be nice to her because maybe, something comes out of it. Come high school and we somehow ended up having similar friends and I started seeing her more often.... and wow. She started to bother the shit out of me. I personally think she grew up slower than some of us, and grew dependant of other people. Some of those other people were good friends of mine, and I know they felt used at times. I hated that and I let a good few people know it. I still hate people who do it.... but she doesn't anymore. And the reality, maybe the secret, is that I've always had a soft spot for her. There was always something about her, just this natural warmth, that got to me, so it ripped me apart when she did things that I couldn't respect. She's stopped that, and maybe I've grown a bit more tolerant as well. As we leave and we both open up a bit, in this last year she's become one of the best people I wish I was closer to.... she's grown as a person to the point where I no longer have any apprehensions about seeing her or about her in general. Now, she makes me happy. I wish her the best. Oh, and one more thing - Ry. All I'll say is that sometimes, everyone has to move on, but you handled it (at least in my opinion) exceptionally well. You've caused no bitter faces at the end of that story. I hope it was a story that in time will become a solid part of your past, and a shining spot in your memory.

Next? Any of you who are reading that might be thinking where the hell could he go next that would baffle me more, or for others what else that I knew all along is he going to tell the world. Who's the next logical person - well, one of only two other people that I've heard as many people so certain that I hated as people told me about Bonnie.

Alexis. What a history here - I don't honestly remember where it started... I think we decided at some point in after school or something, I just remember having known her practically forever. So we've got some childhood, colored memories of each other, and then the reality. From eighth grade, when Sasha and Kate, respective best friends, brought us into each others' light. Let's get one thing straight - my feelings about her have changed, -drastically-, since those first few months. Back then she was the queen of the whiners - she's said it herself, when we've talked about it. It was like a talent she practiced and I'm sure you all know it made me want to cut my teeth out if it would make her stop. I had to tolerate her because of the friends thing, and it was like..... ugh. Well it's hard to describe what happened, because I didn't see it at the time, but over the course of freshman year something changed. I think it was mostly her, although I know I was changing drastically about that time too - I've blogged about it. In the course of about a year, Kate had become the whiner of the pair, and Alexis had become a real person. And then, I can pinpoint exactly the moment in my mind when I suddenly saw her as more - and in that exact moment, I just saw her smile realized that things had changed. From that moment on things had changed, because suddenly I had positive feelings for this girl who I only sort of knew. Over sophomore year that didn't change much, but Rice Street would be the big one. We suddenly saw each other constantly in a small group, and despite the fact that in that year she was already an alum and I was the new kid on the block, it only took a month or two before I was solidly part of the group. On and off we became sort of friends, and she and I sort of got to know each other, and by now we were juniors and all of our friends we doing things more often. So as we all went out more often we all became better friends, and eventually it lead up to Germany.

BTW - I want to make a definition here. I use the word "relationship" exactly how it's SUPPOSED to be used, not the way a lot of people assume it is. Relationship has no romantic connotation, or even more a sexual one, unless specifically used as such. Sasha and I have a relationship, my mother and I have one, Ms. Novogrosky and I have one - I hate her, and she certainly dislikes me. but it's a relationship. So understand that as i use this word again - people have misunderstood me the way I use it before.

Germany was the pinnacle of Alexis and I's relationship. There was a lot of honest friendship, and a lot of flirtation. There were massages in McDonald's, and a two hour bus ride she spent asleep lain across me in my arms. It was a good, good time. There was no hookup, nothing physical that got in the way. It was just good. Unfortunately, near the end I noticed a serious problem - it was getting in the way, at the time, of my friendship with Natalie. Most of the time I'm unclear on the topic, but at that moment it was obvious to me that a friendship as important as Natalie's was far more crucial than a possible budding romance. And so as I was about to do something sweet, I was on my way over to the rose salesman in on the street in Germany... and I was pulling out my wallet and I realized, what the fuck am I doing. I'm completely ignoring one of the best friends I've ever had. And so just before I handed over five marks, I realized I wasn't going to buy a rose for Alexis - I realized I'd buy it for Natalie. Did I possibly miss a chance? Yes. Do I regret it? Not for a second. Natalie's a friend I'll have forever, and a friend I can trust beyond any comparison. And I seriously think, as much trouble as our friendship was in at that point in time (and it wasn't Alexis, but more so the fact that Natalie was having rough times personally and I was being a lousy friend by not noticing them, and not helping her) it probably wouldn't have survived if I walked by her with that rose. So I did something sweeter, and saved my relationship with one of my two best friends. No, I've no regrets about that whatsoever. One of the best decisions I've ever made.
Germany ended, and the summer was reasonably inactive, and then it was senior year. And the difference was in Rice Street. Suddenly Alexis and I weren't on the same side anymore, because she was the intensive. And I can say this as a concert band intensive - it's a fucking BAD idea. Don't do it, except maybe in Jazz Band. Just don't do it - it's not worth it. I wanted to be a concert band intesive to get stuff done, like teaching the band to march and shaping up the pep band. Nobody listens though - that's just school for you. And yet it's got to be worse in a select group.... because there is just about nobody in that group who can't do your job. Everyone in a select group is talented, and is there because they can hold their own. And we all knew that about ourselves, to some extent. So when suddenly there's some student bickering at you and trying to lord over you as a surrogate teacher.... you take offense. That's not the right way to be an intensive. In my opinion, Chris Holownia and Aaron Proznitz got it right, and on the jazz band side, Sasha and John Prensner. My gut says Leah Miller probably did too, but I never saw her in her position as intensive. It was leadership by example, and leadership as an equal. Chris I saw a bit from the outside and although he corrected people, structured things, and led the group, he never held himself over anyone. There was never the "hey guys, it's my time." or "look at me I'm in charge, now you have to pay attention." Aaron? Well what CAN'T you say good about Aaron - he's an absolutely phenomenal singer and an equally awesome guy. And he was a silent leader, brilliantly executed because he had everyone's respect withoout their animosity. That's what everyone else got wrong. That's what I got wrong, what Eisen got wrong, what Abby got wrong, what Stuart got wrong, what Alexis got wrong, what Kate got wrong, what John Hearn got wrong. It's not an easy job to do and we all managed to get it wrong. But for that year.... Alexis and I were on opposite sides. I was something unique - I was an intensive in Rice Street, but not a Rice Street intensive. To some extent I became the voice of the bass section, and some of the guys in general. Jack did it for the tenors - he SHOULD have been an intensive, and he would have gotten it right. Fuck Tremblay and her stupid rules.... she got three intensives right out of nine she picked in the two years I was in the select program. But Alexis and I were on opposite sides, and so professionally we had to conflict. And it strained the personal relationship a lot, and it just fell apart. I've still got that place in my memories for her though.

I'd write about more people right now, but it's 6:10 PM and I've GOT to get some packing done before I eat dinner and go get my haircut. I bet this blog is too long for blogger to handle - nope, it wasn't.

I think I feel better having told those stories though.
:: Peter 6:10 PM [+] ::
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