:: Closing Time ::

:: Monday, August 26, 2002 ::

Split blog coming, just read straight down

And be prepared to keep reading – it’s 80% as long as my sophomore thesis in pages.

5,291 words

... I have no idea where this blog is going to go. All I know is that it will probably be long, very deep, and there is an extremely good chance I am going to regret some of it. Because I think I may touch on some subjects I really, really shouldn’t. Not that will affect you, but will affect me.

Today was my last night – effectively. My fucking family has decided that this weekend and tomorrow are family time, so I have to spend my last day in Wellesley with them. Yeah we’re going to a sox game, but I don’t care. I want my friends, I want every last moment I can have with them. I’m spending the next three days with my family as it is after tomorrow… it’s today now, isn’t it. I’m in my last full day in Wellesley, and I’ve seen all my friends I think for the last time.

In case any of you who were there tonight didn’t realize, or in case you weren’t there tonight, I am fucking terrified. Even now, as my mother tries to tell me to go to bed and I need to tell her mom, I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep… I’m not taking this well. Tears welling up in my eyes, and I can’t even believe it myself. I was ok with everyone else leaving – I was the strong one, somebody had to be. But now, when it comes to be my turn, when I need to say ten, twelve goodbyes in one night. When I realize that anybody I didn’t say goodbye to by now I can’t, won’t get a chance to. When I realize I’m going to spend my last day in town cleaning my room and then going to a ball game, but I’m going to get into a fight with my father, and I may lose more of my voice again.

I lost my voice a week and a half ago shouting at my father. It’s coming back slowly – but it may not come back in time for my singing auditions. It’s sure as hell not back in time for me to practice well, figure out a song. It’s not back in time for me to sing along with songs when out with my friends, for me to sing rice street songs when Christine mentioned them. It may not be back in time for me to sing karaoke during welcome week (and damnit, I’m not good socially, but that’s something I can do that I know I can do well. Usually. I could at least get my face known a bit, but now I may even suck there). I love singing – it makes me happy, and I can’t do it because we’re always fighting and he doesn’t listen unless I shout over him. I hate that.

I miss you all already. And I’m not even gone yet.

I said goodbye to a lot of people tonight. And I said just before I left, I’d do a tell all. Well, I’m about to leave. Time to tell some stories.

Some of you I’ve already talked about – Alexis, Bonnie, to some extent even Mallory. More on you later though, maybe.

Again I want to re-define “relationship” for people: I use relationship to mean how two people interact with each other, nothing more. Sasha and I have a relationship, Ben and I, my sister and I, Mr. McCormick and I. It’s just a word. There’s no fucking connotation.

So, in not much of a particular order, around the room of the people I just said goodbye to.

Lindsey. What the hell can I say about you, especially since I’m pretty damn sure you’ll never read this. I said tonight that I hadn’t seen you like all summer, and it kinda upset me… but the reality is, I never saw you more than once a month outside of school. I would have liked to. You’re an angel, without a doubt. Like…. there’s no way to describe it. I can be proud of the fact that you’ve got a silver cup to tell you that the entire class thinks so, to remind you forever. You deserve it. I don’t know you very well, probably because I’m not exactly that kind of angel. In fact, I tend to get the feeling you don’t like me very much. You sure as hell seem not to like my sense of humor, or how I joke around with people. I can remember a couple of times when you’ve snapped at me, and I think, did I go too far? But nobody else seemed to say anything. Maybe you were just the only one confident enough to, or maybe we just didn’t mesh well like that. I wish we did. You’re definitely a person worth knowing better.

Samantha. God, Samantha… curiosity of this year. What was going on? What happened? Was it all in my head, or was it real? I don’t know what’s between us – we seem to have a bipolar relationship. Great on one day, horrible on another, and I’ve absolutely no idea why. I…. I guess I can’t say all that much about you because everything I would say is kinda muddled by uncertainty. I just hope to god you enjoy Wellesley College – I can’t possibly imagine enjoying a school around here, but if you’re happy then I’m happy for you. I may even take you up on that offer to visit – if only…. If only, to see maybe what could have happened had we been better friends.

Chris. Chris Holownia, what a character. Brilliant, multitalented, and suddenly (it seems) extremely understanding. What a sordid past we have… and I think it was mostly my fault. But I’m really glad we’ve moved past that, and I’m glad that we’ve got a reasonably bright future. We were never very close friends, so I can’t honestly feel all that much remorse at not seeing you regularly anymore, but then again, that can be a good thing. Because I WILL be genuinely pleased to see you, like I was tonight when you just dropped in. I hadn’t noticed that I wouldn’t get a chance to say goodbye to you because you weren’t there, but I was very happy that I did. I’ll see you, probably before thanksgiving – I really do intend to take a long weekend to go to New Haven to see you and Andrew, and maybe New York. I couldn’t be happier if I got to see Sasha, and I’d really love to see Alexis…. although honestly, probably not together. Sasha and Alexis are closer than Alexis and I, and I wish that wasn’t the case… but it would get in the way if I saw them together. But back to Chris – I can’t imagine you’ll have anything in front of you except excellence, and I’m glad I’ll be able to say “I knew him when…” Because I really think I’m going to get to say it. Good luck, and for you I’ll say Godspeed. It’s a word I’ve been really tempted to use a lot recently, but because of the religious connotations which I don’t really believe in, it felt disrespectful and weird. But I’m pretty certain you believe them, and so if you’re right on that one you deserve His support as well.

Christine. Christine told me to blog about her the other night, and I wonder if she though I actually would. I bet a couple of people in the room at the time knew she’d sealed that bit of fate when she said it. Christine, Christine, Christine. Boy did we not get along but again, things got better in the past year, year and a half. And no folks, I’m not blind. I can look at the pattern of how many people that applies to and see that it was pretty much mostly my fault, but things DID get better, so I figure we’re past there. Christine – just start with surface traits. Excellent singer, absolutely gorgeous voice. I love hearing her sing. And I really do enjoy her general exuberance and enthusiasm… for just about everything. I kinda wish I could have it at sometimes. And her ability to cover all the bases. She’s a great singer, a great student, and I guess overall seen as a “good girl,” but I’ve known since new years when she showed up in the black outfit, leather skirt, and straight hair (btw – yeah she’s always pretty, but JESUS CHRIST was that a knockout look. If you read this Christine… use that one again) that she could walk any walk she wanted. She’s the kind of person you’re never going to meet somebody quite like. I may think I do – but in the end, that’ll probably be because I didn’t know Christine well enough to know the differences.

Ben. Do we EVER really see eye to eye? Basically… no. I barely know you at all, and I sure as hell don’t understand you. Sometimes I feel you’ve got a lot of things to work on, mostly in the category of things you do and don’t say, but then again… so do I. So who am I to judge. I think you’re a fucking STUPID driver, and a danger to everyone on the road – but that’s no reason to judge you as a person, and as a person I can’t find you at all at fault. You’ve never had anything handed to you, earned everything you’ve got. You’ve got a somewhat weird position – I think with you and Mike having been as good friends as you are/were(?), and Mike changing so VERY much over the past few years, I can’t envy what you’ve had to go through and figure out. I don’t understand you at all, but I think some people do. I wish I had more to say about you – I really wish I did, because I feel like I’m selling you short. But all in all, I’ve basically only got a generally positive feeling. No words, no details, but it’s good.

Who’s left. Alexis I already wrote about, Matt, Bonnie I already wrote about, Sasha, Schram…. who else.

Heh. Oh, right. Mallory.

The six of you will require a little more depth. Which means I should take a break. I’m going to go read other people’s blogs, if they’re written. Then get back here


And I’m back. To tackle them in order.

Bonnie – I already wrote most of what I need to about Bonnie. She’s become an amazing young woman who I don’t know well enough because of our differences. I wish I could change it, I wish I could say more…. But the rest has already been said. Why’s she below this line? Because when you go back to what I said about her before, she got a lot more emotion than the ones above it did. And would get it again, if I had to. She deserves it.

Schram. Andrew Motherfucking Schram. I bet you’ve never been referred to as that before, which kinda amuses me as I wrote it. Because that’s the only thing I can think of to say, smiling widely as I write it. You’re that unique, that exceptional. An incredibly good friend. We’ve had weird points – Mallory, for one. We’ve had differences, confusions. But when it all comes down to it you’ve always been incredibly dedicated, extremely able, and exceptionally honest. And loyal. Absolutely loyal. You’re the kind of friend who’s been there no matter what the situation was. Why the hell do you think I spend odd hours of the night fixing your computers? We spent practically 48 hours straight. To some extent I enjoy the challenge, but that’s not the kind of thing I would do for just any friend. That’s the kind of effort deserving of a friend who I KNOW in my gut would give it for me. The kind of friend who when I’ve needed a swift kick in the ass has given it to me, but when I needed strength and support has been just as ready. The kind of friend I’ll visit in college because I absolutely know things can’t go wrong. I’ll meet his friends, and I’ll see his place, and we’ll hang out, and there will be absolutely NO BAGGAGE. Because of the honesty of our friendship, and of yourself. Nothing weird – Schram’s the kind of friend you’ll see at the 10th reunion and laugh about old times with. No questions asked – because he’s just that comfortable, that honesty, and that good a friend. In ways I’m going to miss you, but in ways I feel like nothing’s going to change. Because I don’t think the time apart will change anything – when I see you, I’m certain we’ll still be friends. Have fun – Yale deserves you, and you deserve it. You’ve earned it, like everything else.

Alexis. Hmmmmmmmm Alexis. Was this a weird Alexis night? I’d be lying if I said no. When we said goodbye, and I knew that it wasn’t just a formality. When I said we’re be back, and I knew it wasn’t just words. That I meant it, and that I really would see her again, and be happy to. Do we have a bit of baggage? Yeah, but it’s being lost quickly. I don’t think it’ll strike up again. That was a goodbye hug I’m going to remember in detail, because there was sure as hell a level of closeness and trust that I didn’t expect to feel. It was good, really good. And then? …. then, things got weirder. With Sasha. My best friend, and I couldn’t have predicted it at all. Andrew and I having emotional fits about people leaving and hearing you all outside, and we had to come out… and to find you clutching him desperately, tears on his shoulder. There’s clearly a lot there I don’t know about, don’t understand. I wish I did – because again, it’s facets of both of you, both very important to me. And I guess I wish I understood because I wish I could be that important… but it’s not a big deal. These days, I’m not looking for what I did wrong, I’m looking for what else I could do right. And that’s the optimistic outlook that I’ve developed, and I think the major reason we’re suddenly on the same page. We didn’t work the same way before, and now we do. I will come to New York, if the offer’s still open. And I’d love to go see a show, or go out to a club, because we’ll be able to smile, and laugh. And everything I said before I could say again. Alexis is a lot to write about, but it’s really almost all good. It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe, except to say that at the beginning of this blog I was literally holding back tears, fighting the shit out of a breakdown…. and now, at the end of some of these paragraphs (this one, and the last one, and quite a few others but those two so far specifically), I can really smile. And feel good about myself, and my relationships with certain people, and our future. And be less scared. Thanks Alexis.

Matt. ‘Sup dawg? Ok I just had to say that, even though I’ve no idea whether or not you read this. What the fuck can I say about you – you’ve got a lot of the same shit I said about Schram, which I guess is why both of you are such good friends. Total optimism, total authenticity, incredible loyalty. Absolute strength of character, and the ability to make a joke just KEEP being funny. Dude, I called you Fat Boy at the end of freshman year, and now you’re Fat Man and the joke is STILL going. Christ, that’s just awesome. You make people smile and you make people laugh just because of who you are – not at you, but with you. I, and I should even say we because I’m pretty sure a whole lot of people feel this way, enjoy being in your presence. You were never pretentious about anything – I still remember, and still tell this story. I’ll tell it again. A certain person once annoyed the shit out of me by flaunting the fact that hune’d been bought a car. Literally MONTHS later, I was talking to your dad (who’s also quite cool, I can see where you got some of it from) and made a crack something along the lines of that if you did something you “wouldn’t get to take the car.” And he was like Oh, Matt has his own car. And I was like what the fuck? How could I not have known… and then I realized, that was TOTALLY for the best. That you never said “Hey, yo, I’ve got my own car so I’m that cool.” I was like damn…. his folks bought him a car and never one boast, one gloat, one anything. I umm…. got a laptop? Got a new bike? He got a fucking fatmobile with a six disc changer and I never heard a word. That, Matt…. that is incredible, exceptional, fantastic. Infinitely respectable. Modesty, humility, loyalty, optimism, humor, trust… what the fuck more could you ask for in a friend. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Which brings us to our last two… Sasha and Mallory. On the roll I’m on, I should do Sasha, because it’s going to be an exceptional piece of writing and praise….. but if I end with Mallory I know I’m going to put myself in a funk. So Mallory first. Here goes nothing and you know…. I’m truly sorry to have to do this. But I have to.

:: Peter 2:27 AM [+] ::
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