:: Closing Time ::

:: Tuesday, August 27, 2002 ::

There was a blog removed, because somebody I trust told me to remove it and to deal with it privately because I might lead to involving people who needn't be bothered. Didn't ask, didn't suggest, TOLD. Sometimes you need to exert your trust like that and tell people things. In a couple of hours since, I've decided that person was pretty definately right. Thanks again said person - btw, tell the other person who would be the obvious link between I and you who you are. That person will appreciate it and is totally trustable.
:: Peter 4:46 AM [+] ::
...

I may do some more blogging today.... but I obviously got most of it out last night.

People I've had good conversations with tonight:

Juli
James
Resa

Weird? Maybe, but good. Very good.

I like that through this blog, my way of letting you know me, I can get to know you.

That's the point.

If I had a meaningful conversation I forgot that was before the ballgame, I'm sorry. Poke me and I'll acknowledge you if you want.

I may do some serious blogging later, but now I gotta do last minute packing and computer file moving.

BTW: If you WANT to be on the list literally or figuratively, IM me. I'll be up probably all night and I still always want to talk to people. Especially my readers, who I absolutely love. You make this worth it for me.
:: Peter 1:11 AM [+] ::
...

Split blog coming, just read straight down

And be prepared to keep reading – it’s 80% as long as my sophomore thesis in pages.

5,291 words

... I have no idea where this blog is going to go. All I know is that it will probably be long, very deep, and there is an extremely good chance I am going to regret some of it. Because I think I may touch on some subjects I really, really shouldn’t. Not that will affect you, but will affect me.

Today was my last night – effectively. My fucking family has decided that this weekend and tomorrow are family time, so I have to spend my last day in Wellesley with them. Yeah we’re going to a sox game, but I don’t care. I want my friends, I want every last moment I can have with them. I’m spending the next three days with my family as it is after tomorrow… it’s today now, isn’t it. I’m in my last full day in Wellesley, and I’ve seen all my friends I think for the last time.

In case any of you who were there tonight didn’t realize, or in case you weren’t there tonight, I am fucking terrified. Even now, as my mother tries to tell me to go to bed and I need to tell her mom, I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep… I’m not taking this well. Tears welling up in my eyes, and I can’t even believe it myself. I was ok with everyone else leaving – I was the strong one, somebody had to be. But now, when it comes to be my turn, when I need to say ten, twelve goodbyes in one night. When I realize that anybody I didn’t say goodbye to by now I can’t, won’t get a chance to. When I realize I’m going to spend my last day in town cleaning my room and then going to a ball game, but I’m going to get into a fight with my father, and I may lose more of my voice again.

I lost my voice a week and a half ago shouting at my father. It’s coming back slowly – but it may not come back in time for my singing auditions. It’s sure as hell not back in time for me to practice well, figure out a song. It’s not back in time for me to sing along with songs when out with my friends, for me to sing rice street songs when Christine mentioned them. It may not be back in time for me to sing karaoke during welcome week (and damnit, I’m not good socially, but that’s something I can do that I know I can do well. Usually. I could at least get my face known a bit, but now I may even suck there). I love singing – it makes me happy, and I can’t do it because we’re always fighting and he doesn’t listen unless I shout over him. I hate that.

I miss you all already. And I’m not even gone yet.

I said goodbye to a lot of people tonight. And I said just before I left, I’d do a tell all. Well, I’m about to leave. Time to tell some stories.

Some of you I’ve already talked about – Alexis, Bonnie, to some extent even Mallory. More on you later though, maybe.

Again I want to re-define “relationship” for people: I use relationship to mean how two people interact with each other, nothing more. Sasha and I have a relationship, Ben and I, my sister and I, Mr. McCormick and I. It’s just a word. There’s no fucking connotation.

So, in not much of a particular order, around the room of the people I just said goodbye to.

Lindsey. What the hell can I say about you, especially since I’m pretty damn sure you’ll never read this. I said tonight that I hadn’t seen you like all summer, and it kinda upset me… but the reality is, I never saw you more than once a month outside of school. I would have liked to. You’re an angel, without a doubt. Like…. there’s no way to describe it. I can be proud of the fact that you’ve got a silver cup to tell you that the entire class thinks so, to remind you forever. You deserve it. I don’t know you very well, probably because I’m not exactly that kind of angel. In fact, I tend to get the feeling you don’t like me very much. You sure as hell seem not to like my sense of humor, or how I joke around with people. I can remember a couple of times when you’ve snapped at me, and I think, did I go too far? But nobody else seemed to say anything. Maybe you were just the only one confident enough to, or maybe we just didn’t mesh well like that. I wish we did. You’re definitely a person worth knowing better.

Samantha. God, Samantha… curiosity of this year. What was going on? What happened? Was it all in my head, or was it real? I don’t know what’s between us – we seem to have a bipolar relationship. Great on one day, horrible on another, and I’ve absolutely no idea why. I…. I guess I can’t say all that much about you because everything I would say is kinda muddled by uncertainty. I just hope to god you enjoy Wellesley College – I can’t possibly imagine enjoying a school around here, but if you’re happy then I’m happy for you. I may even take you up on that offer to visit – if only…. If only, to see maybe what could have happened had we been better friends.

Chris. Chris Holownia, what a character. Brilliant, multitalented, and suddenly (it seems) extremely understanding. What a sordid past we have… and I think it was mostly my fault. But I’m really glad we’ve moved past that, and I’m glad that we’ve got a reasonably bright future. We were never very close friends, so I can’t honestly feel all that much remorse at not seeing you regularly anymore, but then again, that can be a good thing. Because I WILL be genuinely pleased to see you, like I was tonight when you just dropped in. I hadn’t noticed that I wouldn’t get a chance to say goodbye to you because you weren’t there, but I was very happy that I did. I’ll see you, probably before thanksgiving – I really do intend to take a long weekend to go to New Haven to see you and Andrew, and maybe New York. I couldn’t be happier if I got to see Sasha, and I’d really love to see Alexis…. although honestly, probably not together. Sasha and Alexis are closer than Alexis and I, and I wish that wasn’t the case… but it would get in the way if I saw them together. But back to Chris – I can’t imagine you’ll have anything in front of you except excellence, and I’m glad I’ll be able to say “I knew him when…” Because I really think I’m going to get to say it. Good luck, and for you I’ll say Godspeed. It’s a word I’ve been really tempted to use a lot recently, but because of the religious connotations which I don’t really believe in, it felt disrespectful and weird. But I’m pretty certain you believe them, and so if you’re right on that one you deserve His support as well.

Christine. Christine told me to blog about her the other night, and I wonder if she though I actually would. I bet a couple of people in the room at the time knew she’d sealed that bit of fate when she said it. Christine, Christine, Christine. Boy did we not get along but again, things got better in the past year, year and a half. And no folks, I’m not blind. I can look at the pattern of how many people that applies to and see that it was pretty much mostly my fault, but things DID get better, so I figure we’re past there. Christine – just start with surface traits. Excellent singer, absolutely gorgeous voice. I love hearing her sing. And I really do enjoy her general exuberance and enthusiasm… for just about everything. I kinda wish I could have it at sometimes. And her ability to cover all the bases. She’s a great singer, a great student, and I guess overall seen as a “good girl,” but I’ve known since new years when she showed up in the black outfit, leather skirt, and straight hair (btw – yeah she’s always pretty, but JESUS CHRIST was that a knockout look. If you read this Christine… use that one again) that she could walk any walk she wanted. She’s the kind of person you’re never going to meet somebody quite like. I may think I do – but in the end, that’ll probably be because I didn’t know Christine well enough to know the differences.

Ben. Do we EVER really see eye to eye? Basically… no. I barely know you at all, and I sure as hell don’t understand you. Sometimes I feel you’ve got a lot of things to work on, mostly in the category of things you do and don’t say, but then again… so do I. So who am I to judge. I think you’re a fucking STUPID driver, and a danger to everyone on the road – but that’s no reason to judge you as a person, and as a person I can’t find you at all at fault. You’ve never had anything handed to you, earned everything you’ve got. You’ve got a somewhat weird position – I think with you and Mike having been as good friends as you are/were(?), and Mike changing so VERY much over the past few years, I can’t envy what you’ve had to go through and figure out. I don’t understand you at all, but I think some people do. I wish I had more to say about you – I really wish I did, because I feel like I’m selling you short. But all in all, I’ve basically only got a generally positive feeling. No words, no details, but it’s good.

Who’s left. Alexis I already wrote about, Matt, Bonnie I already wrote about, Sasha, Schram…. who else.

Heh. Oh, right. Mallory.

The six of you will require a little more depth. Which means I should take a break. I’m going to go read other people’s blogs, if they’re written. Then get back here


And I’m back. To tackle them in order.

Bonnie – I already wrote most of what I need to about Bonnie. She’s become an amazing young woman who I don’t know well enough because of our differences. I wish I could change it, I wish I could say more…. But the rest has already been said. Why’s she below this line? Because when you go back to what I said about her before, she got a lot more emotion than the ones above it did. And would get it again, if I had to. She deserves it.

Schram. Andrew Motherfucking Schram. I bet you’ve never been referred to as that before, which kinda amuses me as I wrote it. Because that’s the only thing I can think of to say, smiling widely as I write it. You’re that unique, that exceptional. An incredibly good friend. We’ve had weird points – Mallory, for one. We’ve had differences, confusions. But when it all comes down to it you’ve always been incredibly dedicated, extremely able, and exceptionally honest. And loyal. Absolutely loyal. You’re the kind of friend who’s been there no matter what the situation was. Why the hell do you think I spend odd hours of the night fixing your computers? We spent practically 48 hours straight. To some extent I enjoy the challenge, but that’s not the kind of thing I would do for just any friend. That’s the kind of effort deserving of a friend who I KNOW in my gut would give it for me. The kind of friend who when I’ve needed a swift kick in the ass has given it to me, but when I needed strength and support has been just as ready. The kind of friend I’ll visit in college because I absolutely know things can’t go wrong. I’ll meet his friends, and I’ll see his place, and we’ll hang out, and there will be absolutely NO BAGGAGE. Because of the honesty of our friendship, and of yourself. Nothing weird – Schram’s the kind of friend you’ll see at the 10th reunion and laugh about old times with. No questions asked – because he’s just that comfortable, that honesty, and that good a friend. In ways I’m going to miss you, but in ways I feel like nothing’s going to change. Because I don’t think the time apart will change anything – when I see you, I’m certain we’ll still be friends. Have fun – Yale deserves you, and you deserve it. You’ve earned it, like everything else.

Alexis. Hmmmmmmmm Alexis. Was this a weird Alexis night? I’d be lying if I said no. When we said goodbye, and I knew that it wasn’t just a formality. When I said we’re be back, and I knew it wasn’t just words. That I meant it, and that I really would see her again, and be happy to. Do we have a bit of baggage? Yeah, but it’s being lost quickly. I don’t think it’ll strike up again. That was a goodbye hug I’m going to remember in detail, because there was sure as hell a level of closeness and trust that I didn’t expect to feel. It was good, really good. And then? …. then, things got weirder. With Sasha. My best friend, and I couldn’t have predicted it at all. Andrew and I having emotional fits about people leaving and hearing you all outside, and we had to come out… and to find you clutching him desperately, tears on his shoulder. There’s clearly a lot there I don’t know about, don’t understand. I wish I did – because again, it’s facets of both of you, both very important to me. And I guess I wish I understood because I wish I could be that important… but it’s not a big deal. These days, I’m not looking for what I did wrong, I’m looking for what else I could do right. And that’s the optimistic outlook that I’ve developed, and I think the major reason we’re suddenly on the same page. We didn’t work the same way before, and now we do. I will come to New York, if the offer’s still open. And I’d love to go see a show, or go out to a club, because we’ll be able to smile, and laugh. And everything I said before I could say again. Alexis is a lot to write about, but it’s really almost all good. It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe, except to say that at the beginning of this blog I was literally holding back tears, fighting the shit out of a breakdown…. and now, at the end of some of these paragraphs (this one, and the last one, and quite a few others but those two so far specifically), I can really smile. And feel good about myself, and my relationships with certain people, and our future. And be less scared. Thanks Alexis.

Matt. ‘Sup dawg? Ok I just had to say that, even though I’ve no idea whether or not you read this. What the fuck can I say about you – you’ve got a lot of the same shit I said about Schram, which I guess is why both of you are such good friends. Total optimism, total authenticity, incredible loyalty. Absolute strength of character, and the ability to make a joke just KEEP being funny. Dude, I called you Fat Boy at the end of freshman year, and now you’re Fat Man and the joke is STILL going. Christ, that’s just awesome. You make people smile and you make people laugh just because of who you are – not at you, but with you. I, and I should even say we because I’m pretty sure a whole lot of people feel this way, enjoy being in your presence. You were never pretentious about anything – I still remember, and still tell this story. I’ll tell it again. A certain person once annoyed the shit out of me by flaunting the fact that hune’d been bought a car. Literally MONTHS later, I was talking to your dad (who’s also quite cool, I can see where you got some of it from) and made a crack something along the lines of that if you did something you “wouldn’t get to take the car.” And he was like Oh, Matt has his own car. And I was like what the fuck? How could I not have known… and then I realized, that was TOTALLY for the best. That you never said “Hey, yo, I’ve got my own car so I’m that cool.” I was like damn…. his folks bought him a car and never one boast, one gloat, one anything. I umm…. got a laptop? Got a new bike? He got a fucking fatmobile with a six disc changer and I never heard a word. That, Matt…. that is incredible, exceptional, fantastic. Infinitely respectable. Modesty, humility, loyalty, optimism, humor, trust… what the fuck more could you ask for in a friend. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Which brings us to our last two… Sasha and Mallory. On the roll I’m on, I should do Sasha, because it’s going to be an exceptional piece of writing and praise….. but if I end with Mallory I know I’m going to put myself in a funk. So Mallory first. Here goes nothing and you know…. I’m truly sorry to have to do this. But I have to.

:: Peter 2:27 AM [+] ::
...

Mallory. I’m pretty certain Mallory doesn’t read my blog, but I’m pretty certain a lot of people do who could, would, and might tell her about this. I really don’t care. I don’t care whether she reads it either way. If you feel that she should be told, then tell her. It won’t bother me if she reads it or doesn’t, and unless it comes directly from her I don’t really want to know. But Mallory and I have some odd history, some touchy history, some crazy history. Mallory. You all might have read the previous blog, the JSA story, the story of how I fell for her at first sight in seventh grade and basically have never completely gotten over it. The story of how I swear to god she was flirting with me at the end of freshman year, and then maybe into sophomore year? How I think she used me and Andrew against each other come Winterstate, and how she baffled me by SHATTERING my self esteem and then coming to see if I was all right, and what she could do. How she effected such a major change to my life by bringing out the aggressive, defensive image most of you think of me as. How she made that me. And through thick and thin I’m still attracted to her, and I still care about her. But I keep asking myself: WHY!? Why the FUCK am I still yearning for the affection of somebody who’s lead me on like that (did I skip that part before? At the end of freshman year I wasn’t single… and then she turned the flirt on, and when I ended that relationship because I couldn’t keep going while having feelings for Mallory as well, she was like hey, I won, I’m done, I never really cared) and dropped me, who’s sent me into the single biggest downward spiral of my life, the spiral that shattered a good portion of my high school career and led me to the life that I currently believe. The spiral that made the image that most people know, and that I will never truly and completely escape. Why? WHY?! …. I don’t know. I respect a lot of things about her – her intelligence, her spirit, her confidence. Her appreciation for music. I honestly love hearing her sing, and only some of that is because of how much I enjoy just being around her. Part of it is a true appreciation for other people making music, and for her voice. She doesn’t like her singing it seems. She’s told me she’s bad – I disagree. I think she should sing more, and keep it up. But how the hell can things like that offset the toying she’s done with me. The way she’s strung along Andrew, when she KNOWS he never really got it, never really understood. I wish I knew more details about that but Andrew and I have always shied away from that subject, primarily out of deference to each other. We’re both in the same sort of boat, but we see her very differently, I’m sure. I wish I knew how she –really- felt, if she had to put her feelings about me into words. I’ve seen curiosity in her eyes, I’ve seen disinterest, I’ve seen caring, I’ve seen malice, I’ve seen longing, I’ve seen misunderstanding. I even feel like I felt some of a few tonight, and not the negative ones. I didn’t get it. I couldn’t make eye contact for long, because getting attached scared me. I looked over to her and made eye contact and I think she was staring at me, and I looked away. And I looked back and she was still looking… and I looked away for good, until she did. I don’t want that anymore. I don’t TRUST her, damnit. Not after what she’s done to me. It would take a lot to change that. When she left, and I had to say goodbye…. barely even a hug, with what? I shared words of encouragement and joy with everyone else… nothing with Mallory. We finally felt cold. Even Lindsey, who I’ve had far more disputes and differences with on average, and who I’ve seen far less, seemed to care more. Mallory. I don’t know what the hell she wants anymore, but I’m pretty fucking sure it’s not at Harvard. I’m not sure if Harvard will be right for her. She’s certainly not like any Harvard I’ve ever met, but then again she’s not like many people I’ve ever met. She’s my crucial weakness though. I think, even after everything I’ve said, if she were just to walk into my arms and hug me, I’d still melt like butter. I know everything she’s done and everything she’s cost me… and it’s hard to not care. Is it love? Is it obsession? It’s probably both. But what it IS is going to the back of my head, repressed and replaced by realer, more honest feelings. Communicative relationships with Alexis, with Teresa, shit, even with Juli. Juli fucking Weiner, who has become an exceptionally positive and truly marvelous part of my thoughts this summer, when I’d had no idea possible. She makes me smile too. Mallory? …. Mallory once told me she couldn’t take it anymore, that she didn’t want to be hurting me anymore. What she’s done since hasn’t really shown me that. Tell her this is here if you want. If you think you should. I’m not going to, because I don’t even talk to her anymore. Don’t even try talking to her online anymore – she just started ignoring me anyhow, so I stopped trying. I’ve got some really deep conversations between us saved, some that I don’t think I’ve surpassed with anyone yet. And yet, with all that depth in the relationship, it comes to this. That’s pretty fucking sad. It hurts me that it came to this, but I’m stronger now. I’m moving on.

Which is why I left the absolute best for last. I’m surprised at how strong and confident I feel having written all that about Mallory given that she’s always been my kryptonite, my weakness, my Achilles heel. I don’t know what to say about it, but I think the next page(s) will be really, really good.

Sasha. Sasha Sasha Sasha Sasha Sasha Sasha Sasha Sasha. I’m writing this in Microsoft Word with the autosave set to every two minutes to make sure I don’t lose more than a smidgen of it, and consequently it is freaking the fuck out that I’ve got a repeated word that many times – all but one of the Sashas had squiggly red underlines under them bitching about it. I fixed it though, because I had to say his name over and over again, to even come close to how many times he has been the absolute best friend I could ever ask for. Been a brother – it’s a word I’m hesitant to use because I don’t have a biological brother, but Sasha is everything I could ever ask for in one. Start with the basics – there is NOTHING I cannot talk about with Sasha, if the need arises. There is NOTHING I cannot do with Sasha because of any awkwardness or whatever. There is NOTHING I do not enjoy having Sasha there for. There is NOTHING I can think of where he wouldn’t have my back, and where I wouldn’t have his. Those are the basics – the basics you think of when you use the term best friend, which some of you may know is a term I have never used before Sasha, and really before this year. Sasha and I have this incredible level of understanding of each other – to be honest, there are a lot of topics we –don’t- talk about, but not because we can’t. Because maybe we don’t need to, and it’s better that way. We don’t often talk about girls, or crushes, or whatever. I think we can both tell, and we sure as hell don’t need or want each other to cry to. We are each others’ strength, back to back facing the world if we have to be, and we don’t ever have to go crying and asking for a crutch. I don’t talk to him about heartbreak because we understand each other without words. We see each other and get it. We see each other and know. We’ve got a ridiculously instinctive understanding of each other, and an absolutely unflappable trust. There is nothing I wouldn’t trust him with, and nothing I wouldn’t be able to ask of him if I needed it. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him – and it doesn’t have to be said, doesn’t have to be written, doesn’t have to be blogged. So some of you may be thinking, why is he writing it then? Well… because I want to. I’ve said it before – I write this blog for myself, you all just get to read it. I hope you enjoy it, or it helps you, but it’s really for me. I’ve never thought before this much about how good a friend Sasha is, and I’ve never really put it into words. To write these things and know them to be true, allows me to be strong. I can go to college far away from him and know that there is nothing that won’t be there when I get back. Our friendship is the kind that lasts forever – I doubt I’ll make that good a friend at college, because that good a friend doesn’t even come along once for everyone. I honestly expect that if I get married, he’ll be my best man. He’s the friend that brought me to all of you, but that was just a smidgen of what he’s done for me, a smidgen of the inspiration he’s given me. He has my utmost respect as a musician, as a competitor, as a person. Tonight I have/had an away message up that many of you may have seen. “I’m blogging like hell, but I want to, need to, talk to any of you. All of you. I already miss everyone, and I’m not even gone yet.” It’s not the kind of cry for help I usually make, and not the kind Sasha and I would make to each other. And somehow he knew in his gut that this time was a bit different. Was it in how I acted tonight? Was it in the handshake before he left, the look on my face. Was it just that he knew – either way, he knew. And I got a message from him, right before he signed off. I probably shouldn’t quote it, and if it bothers you I’m incredibly sorry but right now I think I have to. “I can't talk to you right now, I wish I could but I'm being unbelievably selfish and thinking only of myself and the truth is I’m going to break down completely I talk anymore, so I'll talk to you later, and we'll certainly see each other in the future, I promise you that.” Sasha, let’s get one thing straight – you never, ever have to apologize to me for anything. You’ve done so much good for me I couldn’t manage to ever be mad at you. That you even pulled it out of yourself to say that is beyond incredible…. you were the only person to respond to that away message. That desperate, desperate cry for help. Somehow you knew when it had become too much that I finally needed to call in that favor of my best friend. And even when it was hard for you you managed to at least get out what mattered – that you were listening, and that you cared, and that we WILL talk if I have to, and that we WILL see each other. Sasha, as I write this, for the first time in my life I am actually crying tears of joy. To be able to have as good a friend as you have always been for me – that is incredibly special. You’ve saved my sanity on countless occasions, and you’ve done it again. I never understood the tears of joy concept and even as I do it it’s fucking unfathomable to me, but I am absolutely happy right now having been able to write everything I have. You are my brother, my strength, my inspiration, my spirit. All that you have done for me I can never thank you enough for, and I can never repay you for. At the turning point, my day came first and I crumbled, I collapsed. I was breaking down into pieces and you knew, and you came and even though you were cracking as well you put that on the line and you saved my sanity. Tomorrow, I want to talk to you before I leave on Tuesday, but not about what’s bothering me – in one message you’ve already solved that. Tomorrow is for brotherhood, for friendship.

At this exact moment I can forgive anyone for anything, because the joy and spirit I feel inside of me, having finally recognized in writing just how exceptional a friend I have, has lifted me to a level I can’t even begin to describe.

I wish the best to everyone, because I’ve already got it, and it’s magnificent.

Thank you, Sasha.

Thank you.

Thank you.






THIS IS THE END OF A SPLIT BLOG. IF YOU ARE SCROLLING UP TO SEE WHAT I’VE WRITTEN RECENTLY, GO TO THE TOP OF THE PAGE UNLESS IT’S PAST…. 8/26, AT WHICH POINT I MAY HAVE WRITTEN MORE. THE BEGINNING OF THIS POST HAS A SIMILARLY BOLD MESSAGE

:: Peter 2:25 AM [+] ::
...

*gasp*

When looking for information on GW from a curiousity standpoint (like, how people rate it for parties, girls, work, etc), I found a ridiculously great quotation:

Students tend to be reformed slackers. Explains one, “This school is for everyone who could have been accepted to an Ivy League school and could have afforded it, but never applied themselves to that extent.”

*cries* I'm home! Home!!!!!
:: Peter 11:48 PM [+] ::
...

I am dissapointed in you, and you know who you are. Well, you will once you're done reading this.

Honesty is not "soft." Rather, it is the ultimate strength, and the ultimate in confidence. When you can stand up and say THIS IS WHAT I AM, THIS IS WHAT I FEEL, you are as strong as anyone on earth. To brave judgement, to brave discrimination, to brave controversy. That is strength. To not hide behind poli-social deception, that is strength. Your appearance to the world means nothing if it is dishonest. At least, in my humble opinion.

Your ability to be clear, honest, and rational has earned you my respect, and your choice to stop doing so does not lose it for you. Your decision to muddle people's perception of yourself surprises me, and confuses me. But it is your choice to make, and as with all others whether or not I share your opinion, I will respect it. It is the ability that is unquestioned - everyone needs to prove themselves, and in this manner you have done so. You needn't continue to be respected for the ability.

The choice? The choice, I disagree with. But it is yours to make. Good luck, in all things - you and I both know that at least in one specific endeavor, you'll face absurdity, beurocracy, and in some cases even complete idiocy. You've got to manage, and I don't envy those challenges - so certainly, good luck.
:: Peter 11:24 PM [+] ::
...

I thought I'd have to blog about saying goodbyes - I really didn't want to, because I feel I'm going to keep in touch with the important people. But I said a few tonight, including my hardest one.

But I got something to blog about.

Opie and Anthony have been cancelled AGAIN.

This time, they had a contest that had something to do with encouraging people to have sex in public places. I guess they wanted like a picture or something for probably a really nice prize packages. Couple of couples got caught - one in a catholic church, and O&A were pulled off the air again by their network. The FCC is looking into it....

... yes, you got that right. The fucking FCC. The radio station had to pull Opie and Anthony, because they could get in trouble if they don't take their own "disciplinary and corrective actions," because the FCC is on their ass and legally controls the airwaves and their authority to broadcast.

The FCC, which is supposed to be bound by the fucking FIRST AMENDMENT. Now I don't listen to O&A - didn't then, didn't now. I don't like them, I find them distasteful, but they have the fucking RIGHT to say what they want, because it's funny, or at least because they find it funny. And obviously a WHOLE lot of people do, because they've attracted a huge fan base wherever they've broadcast. And I guess sometimes people think the jokes go too far.... well for fuck's sake, people said Hugh Hefner went too far, people said Larry Flynt went too far, people said Elvis Presley went too far, people said Jerry Springer went too far. BUT THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE SHAPED THE NATURE OF OUR COUNTRY. These are American -icons-, and that we can have such icons is honestly a deeper part of what makes our nation great. That we have the right to have some things that lots of people are ashamed of, but that are THERE in the public so people don't have to hide their less politically correct sides. You don't fucking see anyone cancelling Playboy, do you? Nobody did, even though most of the country thought it was scandalous. Because it was legally protected - and so is the Opie and Anthony show, except for the fact that federal bullying is taking the place of the law.

This is the kind of shit that pisses me off.

This is why I want to go to DC.

This is why I want to make a name for myself on campus.

This is why I want to be a lawyer.

To try and stop, one case at a time, this shit.
:: Peter 2:53 AM [+] ::
...

I'm getting those cravings again.....


...... motorcycle cravings.

The reality is I don't like driving. But something like a Night Hawk.... now that looks like fun.
:: Peter 2:55 AM [+] ::
...

I have a guitar pick between my teeth.

ok, now it's gone, so my attention is focused and I can blog. right now I'm talking to some texan girl about the troubles in her life, who I've never spoken to before. she's a friend of somebody who reads my blog. smallish world. for her, I ought to say "hook'em" (sorry mike).

Anyhow though - packing is.... sorta going. I missed the yog party. I think if I'd cared more I woulda gone despite having to pack and having parents pissed at me. But I didn't. that sort of thing. I'm really not sure how the fuck I'm going to finish all this. It's kinda scary.... and I want a magic wand to wave, damnit. a magic wand.

Oh yeah. Today, Chris and I got shining force CD running on a sega cd emulator on a pc emulator on a mac. sound hardcore? what else is new.

I seriously wish I had something on my mind to really blog about right now. But.... I guess, between the friends I'm not seeing, and the not-friends I'm not seeing, and the not-friends I am seeing who seem not to really want to see me, I'm kinda emotionally drained.

Very few of you have given me anything positive to think about. And college? Well, I'm so packed-out that I don't know how it's gonna work.
:: Peter 1:45 AM [+] ::
...

So Chira tends ot be very inspiring, blogwise, especially because he's incredibly unique, and general in positive ways. But I'm really curious how the moving on with life, and missing people, and nostalgia will be very different between us because of a critical factor: Effectively, I know no one where I'm going.

Yeah, I sorta know Josh, but I don't think we'll be good friends. And I know Melissa Matin-Shepherd's face.... and know that the last time I spoke to her more than once in a three month period, my best friends had a restraining order against her. I'm hoping if I see her or talk to her things will be better, but basically, I know no one.

That's going to force me to go forge new ways, make new connections. Most people have to do this. But, as far as I know, Chira has Sarah.

What would it be like to go to college.... with your girlfriend? I'm pretty sure they're still together. If they're not, I'm sorry I wrote this. But I think they are. What would it be like. To take with you one of the most significant relationships in your life. To NOT have to lose that. I think I would love it.... and it would cripple me. Because I'd lean on that relationship, and inevitiably destroy it unless we both went that way. I'm not worried about them - neither of them is like me in that aspect, I think.

But it's just an interesting thing to contemplate. Nostalgia is universal, but when he goes off in the next week or so, he takes one of the best parts of his life with him.

I leave everything behind.

Am I bitter or upset? Not at all. Because I don't think either way would be bad for me. It's just.... interesting.
:: Peter 2:11 AM [+] ::
...

.... there is one, maybe two people I think may have been mentioning me in blog for a while now. Vaguely. Very vaguely.

Could all be in my head. If not, I'd like clarification so we can talk some more.
:: Peter 2:42 AM [+] ::
...

Never fails: read other blogs, find something to respond to.

"But silence, while staring at the stars, is more profound or meaningful than any conversation.

That`s what you`re missing, Pete... "

Missing? That's a strong accusation there. Personally, I don't feel like I'm missing shit. I spend so much time sitting in silence, seeing the world, that I find I get lost in it and lose touch with people. The walks at five AM to see the sunrise. The staring out on the water... just about any water, I do it, for ten minutes on end, in dead silence. World searching. Not soul searching, not even sometimes thinking. But world searching.

What I'm missing are too many of the times that the people around me, the joy of my life, have had memories I can't share. You said it yourself - "How much have I missed?" To that I say, only as much as you care to have had and have not. In eighteen years, I've never missed the stars. I know they'll be there tomorrow - as much as environmentalist evangelists would have us believe that nature is doomed, I honestly do not think I will possibly see the end of nature, nor my children, or my grandchildren. I don't believe it. It's too robust, and more powerfull than we are. I see trees every day... if I suddenly feel the need to see more trees, or have seen more, I can go see it. I can't get these people back. All I've ever missed are experiences with people, times with people, moments with people. In the end, they really are just rocks burning up in the sky. I've not seen Joanna since that evening, nor Peter Hill, nor you. And I'm reasonably certain I will not before I go to college. I didn't really go out to see the rocks. It was a fringe benefit. A pleasure, certainly.... but one I would not have enjoyed on my own.

Which brings me to another topic, entirely separated. But prompted by another blog. Another great friend that I have had, who unfortunately I no longer do. A person I've missed, very deeply, but been happy for... because her life to date has been better for her than it was when I was part of it.

Kaitlin Mosely. Honestly, one of the single most remarkable people I've ever known. How I met her was weird - she and Ashley and Elise were friends, and Ashley and I were close.... and so at the end of eighth grade when Lauren Costello was having a big party which all the cool kids were invited to, some of us were talking about crashing. Well.... we met up there, and a few of us even went in (I did), but in the end about eight people ended up walking to Katie's house (yeah... she was definitely Katie then, and I'll always think of her as Katie). And we all chilled and talked and stuff, and I really don't remember too many details of the situation. I remember she was pretty. You're groaning right now thinking goddamnit, you're pathetic - the only people you talk about or give a shit about are the ones you're attracted to. If that was you.... fuck off. I've always felt confined by the feeling that any time a guy gives a girl an honest compliment it seems like he's hitting on her. I couldn't say that Katie was attractive even when it was clear we were good friends, even when she had a boyfriend and was happy, whenever. It would have been awkward but damnit I always WANTED to say it, so it's my blog and I'm going to say it. It's just one of those things I've had to say about people that I can't. Anyhow, Katie - I don't remember how it happened, but somehow I IM'd her one day. And we started talking. And I IM'd her again, and we kept talking. And just like that we were friends. Talking daily, constantly. Within about a month, she became the person I called every day. For years I had somebody who I would call every day, just to talk, because I loved having a friend to share things with like that. Katie and I told each other so much, understood each other so well. So many things about her amazed me. First, she was already certain that she wanted to go to NYU to study fashion, and design clothing. She was doing sketches already, had designed a bunch of stuff. That she isn't going to, and didn't even apply? Irrelevant. She changed her mind, we all do.... but at the time, before most anyone, she had that drive, that direction. This went on just about all the way through freshman year.... and then, we slowly drifted apart. One of the last things I remember her saying to me, around May.... "Damnit, we had better have a class together next year." Katie, if you ever possibly read this, ever possibly get to hear what I said.... you've no idea how much that meant to me. Because right there, that was one of the first and only times I've had somebody who -I- wanted to spend more time with make clear that they wanted the same. We were great friends.

Then came sophomore year.

I've mentioned that I fucked up sophomore year... this was another way. My friends were changing. I definitively wasn't friends with the friends I'd had from middle school before.... and then the group we'd formed around eighth grade, which had led me to Katie, but primarily those two friends - Ashley and Katie - ..... as fate would have it, had become very good friends with the friends who had backstabbed me at the time. Dear god, did that hurt like hell. Like hell like hell like hell like hell like hell. Katie and I had kept in touch a bit longer, but among other issues the group dynamic was lost. They were a group now.... Katie and I were just still friends. Except the funny thing is, as she commented once.... we virtually never talked to each other face to face. We never saw each other in school - she was effectively in camp with the enemy by then. We didn't have any classes together. When she did things, it was with her friends and her new friends. My old friends who weren't my friends anymore. I was clearly not included. So we never -really- were friends, I guess. Just maybe more like conversationalists, confidants. I knew I could trust her though, and I knew she didn't give me any bullshit. So I guess actually, even with my new definition, she was definately a friend. She was somebody I would certainly have, and still would, make time and an effort to see. But sophomore year. I'm not revealing any huge secret here, so I can make the big one clear as to how I fucked up - to anyone who ever saw her around, it became pretty clear that Katie was losing a lot of weight. A -lot- of weight. The long story short is she fought, and fought, and eventually figured things out and succeeded. I always knew she would, but didn't know how to help her. Come second term we were suddenly in the same english class, like she'd wished for. Even sitting next to each other, talking to each other. But it wasn't the same for effectively a pair of reasons. Yes, we'd started drifting apart when summer approached and her new friends (w/ her old friends) and my new friends (w/ sasha) took up more of our time... and we just stopped talking often, if at all. She also seemed to be online less. I stopped calling when we stopped talking online. What I did next was the most thoughtless thing I think I've done as a friend. I was at camp for three weeks, and we were out of contact by then, and so I didn't notice that she wasn't around... and then though, when I got back home, I never noticed that she wasn't there either. Never online, never called. I didn't know that one of my best friends of merely a few months ago was fighting for her life in and out of a hospital. I am honestly deeply ashamed of myself as I write it.... because I can't believe I would easily forgive somebody.

I expect she hasn't either.

We were never really friends again. Twice more we talked, and both for long hours, as she told me things and I told her things, both I think without another good friends who we could really discuss LIFE, and deep life with. I think Katie and I both always perceived that we understood things a little more deeply a little sooner than a lot of people.... if you all got it, you sure as hell didn't show it to us in any way, so how were we to know. But we shared our lives with each other again for one night, and I almost thought the bridges could be mended. And again once more - but I can't talk about that now because I just had the blogging epiphany I think I've been silently waiting for.

I've just discovered what my blog is. And why I've written it. And how I got to the point of telling all this truth to the world. And why I had the compulsion to save it, all. And I think why I write it so deeply.

This blog was started on May 19th. A week after my self paper was due. A self paper which I described as "a pull no punches tell all," because I was prepared to share those thoughts with Mr. McCormick. A great teacher, and a man I deeply trust. And yet.... in that week as we did personal discussions, and presentations.... I changed. Because in that english class I found an incredible group of people, every one essential to the class in their own dynamic and individuality. A better class I've not been part of. I trusted them, even the ones I really didn't. And I told them everything, told them about my life. For the first time in years, Katie and I discussed our past publically and talked to each other across a room about some things we still share.

I told Mr. McCormick I was planning on writing an addendum. That I wanted to keep going, that my self paper had helped my find myself. I thought that I'd become lazy, I thought that it had lost meaning for me. I'm so very blind.

This is it.

Clairvoyance fills me. And I'm seriously debating emailing either my blog address, or my entire blog contents to Mr. McCormick. He asked me to email him any addendum I wrote.

That's how I got here. People ask me how I can just tell the world everything.... this is how I figured it out. Look at my english class. Even if you skip half the people, go around the room. Alice Peisch, Ara Zusky, Rachel Wessel, Sarah Fiorillo, Andrew Chira, Michael Metzger, Myself, Devon Reed. Mr. McCormick himself. Even if you ignore the people I skipped (and they just complicate the issue even MORE, because of their differences as well), I don't htink you can make an even pairing between any two people on that list. We're all so very different, so very catagorized. But VERY different. And during the self paper presentations I felt a moment of absolute and utter trust, because somebody else shared a story. I can't remember who or what it was - but it didn't matter. In that moment I realized that the different people, the people I didn't understand, were not to be distrusted. I realized I HAD to trust them, or they'd always be different, always be unknown. So I took a huge risk, and told them everything. Everything in my self paper, and a lot that wasn't in it. It was deep. And I really think they appreciated it.... because I could see it on their faces, hear it in their words.

I realized I have to trust the world or the world will never trust me. That's what politicians don't get. They lie to the world and are inherantly distrusted. Lose credibility.

This blog gives me the credibility I've always wanted, to be honest. And lets me make connections with everyone I've always wanted to know.

This is the addendum to my self paper.

Still without a doubt the single most critical assignment I think I've ever been given.

Brilliant, whoever came up with it. Absolutely brilliant, absolutely crucial.

Thank you. Everyone.

Unfortunately I need to add a caveat, a privacy thing. If any of you feel you've been mentioned in this blog to the extent that you would NOT want it sent to Dennis McCormick, a former member of the WHS english staff... let me know. If I send it to him I'll take you out, or I'll weigh the idea of not sending it to him.

But I want him to know that I really did write my addendum. He has my deepest respect and now that I figure out the impact he's had on me, gratitude. He asked me to email him an addendum. I owe him that much.

And to think. People say I've started something with this blog - me, I'm not so sure I believe it. If I have.... I hope it helps you all like it's helped me.

Realize the power in what words you put down. And cherish it.
:: Peter 1:59 AM [+] ::
...

I wanted something to blog about, and Christine gave me a halfway decent idea. I was going to do it, but when I got hom I was so dead tired that I could barely think. And yet I'm still not asleep - soon, very soon. I have to read everyone else's blogs first, in case I get inspired.

A newsweek article, about blogging.
:: Peter 1:00 AM [+] ::
...

I had a lot of fun today, but was sorta upset because I didn't think much, and didn't come up with much blogworthy. So when I'd showered and sat down at my computer, I read other people's blogs.

Nothing of huge interest until I finally got to John Curran . Ahh, John Curran.... without a doubt one of the single most fascinating people I've met to date, and as a sophomore. Going to be a junior, yes, but this year was clearly a breakout year for him both conciously and developmentally. He's changed a lot, I think almost all for the better. We didn't get along too well freshman year - as well, I've changed a whole lot this year. Between the two it's a much better situation now. Which brings me to how I got to a blogworthy point.... his comment.

Part of the beauty of some of these blog comments is that you know the situation... cause you were there. John's comment on our group's viewing of the Perseids I thought was particularly interesting, and I figure I can quote it since it's already on the internet and hey, I'm linking to it:

"It felt, though, that at times, we became distracted from the point of lying there…instead of watching the sky, our conversation drifted into trivial matters: “Do you use the enter key or return key?”. Or conversations about blogs. Doesn`t anyone sense the irony of conversations about blogging under such an awesome setting? Stop talking about writing about living and start living!"

To start.... I disagree. Because as much as nature is dazzling and magnificent and incredible, I place contact with people before contact with nature. I honestly would hate to give up either, but the way I see it is this - alone, on my own, in nature, I'd go insane. Living with people but constantly in buildings, or on a space station or something.... I would manage just fine. Just -my- personal view, I'm sure for many people it's a harder distinction or even quite the opposite. But I enjoy meaningless, amusing conversation because it lets us primarily get away from our differences. Any time Joanna and I try to have some sort of seemingly "meaningful" conversation we end up disagreeing, clashing, and coming to the conclusion that the other is likely in some way flawed. But just talking about random stuff - how you write your blogs, how you send your IMs - no conflict whatsoever. People recognize that such little things are so trivial that a matter of opinion there means nothing, but what we often fail to realize (and I'm not nearly as guilty of this as a lot of people accuse me of.... that's one thing that greatly hurts me) is that greater differences of opinion are still -just- differences of opinion. When I make a statement that I disagree with somebody, often times people accuse me of trying to start fights, or arguments. I've literally heard a couple of people who I generally otherwise find to be quite intelligent just yelp out something as incredibly fucking dumb as "Jesus Peter, why are you always causing problems!" Well bitch, maybe I just don't have the same opinions as you do, and yours are no fucking better than mine despite what your ego may lead you to believe (btw that's totally off topic, and I do NOT meant to imply that I think anything less of John's opinion because I just realized that's one specific difference of opinion I HAVE talked about - I do recognize his point, and John is actually so rarely guilty of this kind of things because he disagrees with people if not as often then plausibly MORE often than I do).

John a few posts later said that he is no longer blogging, because he sees his blog as some kind of performance art, and consequently spends too much time now (as he said) writing about living instead of living. Here's my personal suggestion to anyone about blogging - relax. Be honest, off the cuff, and have a conversation with the world. Exact quote from my AIM convo with him, the multiple IM names removed for clarity's sake:

"I usually start with something.... but then, have a conversation with the world. I don't use it write political essays, I just use it to -talk-. It's like - ever have something you just needed to tell somebody, but you don't know who would care or appreciate it for sure? Or more importantly you know one specific person would so you tell him or her, but in doing so you don't realize that another friend (or even a not-friend) also would care and me interested? That's the blog magic.... I can just say these things to the world." As long as I'm confident about the truth in what I'm saying, and truly believe the words I write when I make any kind of strong statement.... then that's who I am, and that's my opinion, take it or leave it.

That said... having encouraged him to keep blogging (a great decision in my life) I realized when I was about to be a junior it woulda been a huge mistake. The thing is.... i fucked up junior year, and to some extent senior year, because I was a WORTHLESS sophomore. I took a light course load, had a lot of fun, did very little work, got reasonably good grades (two A's, two B's, no problems). And had effectively a -drop-, not a growth, in socioeducational maturity. I was less prepared for junior year than a freshman would be and I fucked up. The difference is John did just the opposite. I think I was more prepared than him as a freshman, but I'm very certain that he did much better than I did as a sophomore, and he's still going up. So I don't know if this kind of a blog would be good for him now - it wouldn't have been for me then, but he's not me.

I was going to write and say a lot more... except I just talked to Alex for about an hour about his dorm life and all the things he's experiencing. More important to me right now than blogging is staying in immediate touch with my friends. I'm sure he appreciates it, and I really feel like we're not that separated if I know what's going on in his life. We appreciate each others' stories and ideas.

Remember that folks - I really do love knowing what's going on in your life and how you feel, because it means I still know you.
:: Peter 12:04 AM [+] ::
...

A few quotations from this evening with friends:

"Hush, little child, don't say a word... daddy's going to buy you a grenade!"
"The good news is that we can invoke the one-handed rule."
"Gah! Bolt action rifle time!"
"No - mbobber, mbobber, mbobber. Not revolver, mbobber."
"Why don't MINE hit you?" "You obviously haven't been crying enough."
:: Peter 1:34 AM [+] ::
...

Now I'm furious.... because I just lost a good blog because my fucking idiot father decided that when we were already running all THREE air conditioners, he has the TV on, half the lights in the house, two computers, and we're in brownouts, every light is already dim NOW is the time to try and fidget with the fucking washer/dryer to see if he can get them to work in low power.

Nice job you fucking moron, you know what happens when you overdraw a circuit? You blow the fucking fuse.

Now I need to try and remember what the words were.

It started out by saying that it was going to be my next sentimental/deep blog. Not about years of bottled up feelings or experiences or anything though.... but about me, one moment. One song.

I'm sitting here listening to mp3s and with over 1500 tracks shuffling, what comes up? One Song Glory. A song that most of you will realize affected me, at least somehow. Most of you won't realize all of it. Some of you will realize none. The obvious? It's a song about finding something to do - one thing, to make life worth it. Something I've been really fucking worried about as I juggle the possibilities of different majors, law school, and what I want to do with my life. It's easy when you give me the option - I want to be a rock star. But I don't have the talent, or the ability, I think. I write music, and I write songs.... but I don't play guitar or bass well. I've tried. I want to take lessons. But I don't think I'm ever going to be a good band type player, so I've got to sing, and only sing. And singer only band members are generally the scourge of rock bands. They've got to be absolutely exceptional to be worth it (steven tyler), and I'm not. so I'm scared about what I'm gonna do with my life.

But what else it triggered.... was Jack's blog, and Jack's song. Jack referred to his blog as such because it was one shot. One statement to say everything he wanted to .... a courageous approach, a bold one. I expected no less from him, but of course had no idea of the specific. And it's suddenly getting to me that today..... yes, today now, it's 2:00 AM. Today I will see one of my best friends for the last time until Thanksgiving.

That day is finally here, and I'm scared.

One would think with Jack I would be less scared than most, for several reasons. One, we're both planning to go visit Rice Street, and I wouldn't be surprised if we went together. Two.... well, let's just say there are aspects about him that are unique amongst my friends, and some of them match with certain aspects of mine that don't mesh with just everyone. We'll have those things together, I'm pretty certain. But then there's the reality - I'm not even sure how the hell we became friends. It was effectively in the scheme of things an overnight occurance. Last year we were in RSS together but not really friends. This year though, between swim team and more importantly swimming before school, RSS again, physics class, botball, and just everything, we suddenly became very good things. To be honest, I don't think about that a lot because that's the -GOOD- part, that we're friends. I don't really give a shit how it happened. It's just that his friendship is not a constant I've gotten used to having around in my life. That sentance sounds bad - it sounds as if I take Sasha, Natalie, Alex, and Matt for granted. God I don't - I know how very lucky I am to have you guys as friends. We've just been friends longer, and I'm used to thinking "Hey, let's give Natalie a call," or "I wonder if Matt wants to do something." Effectively.... Jack and I will not see each other for as long as we've been friends, barring a couple of weeks of vacation until summer break. So it scares me.

Alex is the other friend who leaves tomorrow. But with Alex the situation is somewhat different - for one, we've been very good friends for more like two years, and somewhat friends for three plus. The thing is though, he's never been that social a person even compared to me, so I honestly don't see him face to face THAT often. I've seen him face to face maybe half a dozen times this summer since/excluding Botball. I guess with most friendships that would be a problem.... but we just happen to talk on the phone, or talk online more often. And we've both got free long distance, so I'm pretty certain we'll stay in touch throughout the year. Besides, I'll have the occasional computer issue I need a hand on at the very least. And I know I can always ask for his help... that's just one of the things you get from friends. But I can say this - I don't anticipate any waking you up at 5:00 AM calls to try and fix anything. Anything that can be fixed over the phone that's crucial, I already know how to fix :) But Alex and I I'm confident will stay in close touch. Or as close as our time allows.

Jack I'm not so sure about.

You know.... I think to some extent, it's that Jack is the only one who doesn't blog. Well, no. Matt doesn't either but I'll get to Matt in a second. And is planning on not blogging, and is adamant about it. So I can't keep up with his life outside of that. Actually, I take great comfort in something he did say - that if I keep blogging he'll keep reading. Right there is more than enough reason for me to. Ignore the fact that I know it'll help my other friends keep up with my life and still know me - one would be enough reason to do it. It just feels like he's the one whose life I'm not going to be up on.

You all are thinking I'm an idiot for two reasons - one, Matt doesn't blog or anything (that I know of) so I can't use that to keep up with him, and two, Sasha's blog is currently (and probably always will be) a huge joke. Well.... I'm not at all worried about losing either of them, to any extent. Let's start with Matt, because I said I would. What can I say about Matt.... come on. The question is what CAN'T I say about Matt. What has Matt meant to my life over the past few years? An amazing amount of nothing but fun. Matt I think is basically my only friend who comes with NO baggage. I seriously question whether this guy has problems of his own, because I've never heard him complain about a damn thing. Don't get me wrong guys - eveyrone has baggage, I know that. it's part of the friendship contract :) - but Matt.... it's kind of like getting the style of a Corvette and the gas milage of a bicycle. Matt's such an easygoing friend, we've just gotten so easily since we became friends. Any time, no matter how long we've been apart, if he's been away for a month or anything, it's just " 'Sup dawg?" and everything's cool again (fyi: those of you who don't know us, don't even bother asking ;) ). Hell. The Fat Man bears a nickname that I gave him, and that's a pretty wild thing. It's the only nickname I think I've ever made for somebody that stuck at all, which is pretty cool. There's no question at all with Matt - Matt's like a brother, at all times. Just to chill, to party, to talk tech with, to laugh about the differences between our computer opinions (it's UGLY man, it's UGLY).... everything's good. Matt? Matt I don't worry about falling apart from at all. Because I know as long as we go.... we'll still be friends. No questions.

Which brings us to Sasha... who blogs in comic. Now this is gonna be a bit weird. Here's the story - as much as I had taken for a while to referring to Sasha as my best friend (he is/was/is, the more important distinction these days is that I've realized just how important to me four or five more people are... so now I use the term best friends) most of you wouldn't have a clue if you just tracked us. That's because Sasha and I don't communicate much in the generally accepted use of the word .... we don't talk on the phone much, or online except when we want/need to cover specific things. We just -DO-. We understand each other. And more importantly, we understand what to say and what -not- to say, and what not to ask. We can have an entire conversation by omission - we have, in a case or two. The understanding goes way past even face to face conversation. For this and other reasons, I also don't worry about Sasha. Even though what we had from the start - trumpet - we've lost.... he's probably going to go on to study more music, and become that much better than me (over what he already is), and he'll suddenly be in a league I can't hang in. I don't think it matters at all, if I'm studying Chemistry and he's studying Jazz. We had and will always have something that brought us together and we built a friendship in the time it gave us. And an understanding.... that's not going away. I don't care what any of you bastards think - if he had gone to Tulane, I -firmly- believe I had dibs on the floor of his room during Mardi Gras ;) But that's a bit of an aside. I'm not worried Sasha as well because of the time.... Sasha's been my friend, and an extremely good one, for longer than anyone else really. We've been very good friends since like, seventh grade. Back when I was first meeting Natalie through Mallory, I didn't know Matt or Jack existed, and Alex was just another nerd. Ahh, perceptions of a middle school idiot. Damn was I dumb. I'm pretty pleased though that I learned a bit.... because I think I did well on the true friends score card.

Which leaves Natalie - actually, one friend I AM sort of worried about keeping in touch with. Probably because although I'm not worried we'll still be friends when we get back - we will be - we just talked more, and at one point when she was going through shit and I was going through shit and for a while we weren't really good friends.... that was characterized by our not talking. And that made it worse. So I hope we'll manage to keep talking, cause otherwise we're going to have a WHOLE lot to catch up on over break, and not enough time in which to do it. The other thing - .... I've avoided reading Natalie's blog. Because you know, sometimes.... I feel like we're friends BECAUSE we talk to each other. Reading each others' blogs? Icing, maybe. I think we need to stay in touch though.... but I'm pretty certain we will.

That's the blog for the night. I'm worried as hell about missing people and losing friends. But as I write it up.... I feel better. Because I think about them and my instinct wasn't as trusting as it should have been. The rest of you? I hope we can get together when I'm back - some people may only want to see specific people, but I want to do just the opposite. See -everyone-. Whether or not we hang out now, or did last month, or before school ended.... if you care, if you want to, I'd love to see you. Now, if you want - I'll make time. Or then - I'll keep time.

Time. That's what it's all about.
:: Peter 2:37 AM [+] ::
...

Midnight is a perfectly good time to have a pair of cheese dogs.... and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

Mmmmmm cheese dogs. Thank you to two people I'm pretty certain don't read this - Goldberg, for wanting it, and Sam Brown, for making it. They introduced me to this concept and I've never looked back. Hotdogs with ketchup and cheese..... so good.
:: Peter 11:49 PM [+] ::
...

Hey Peter Hill:


You were expecting it was maybe, Rachel Hamilton?

:: Peter 10:57 PM [+] ::
...

So this isn't going to be a in insightful, or a deep blog - not yet at least. Just letting you know ahead of time.

Ok any of you who are considering what to do about music at college with the possibility of roomates and not being able to play through speakers and disagreeing, the answer is top notch headphones. I got a pair from my uncle today (late graduation present) and they're incredible. The bass and high treble are better than my stereo, and they're virtually silent to people around you. they're fucking awesome.

I've discovered that packing clothes is the easy part.... by now, just about all of my clothes are packed, but like none of my -stuff- is. ugh.... it's gonna be a mess.

Alex, I'd like to take you up on that offer you made to me the other day. You'll understand in a split second.

Hey DeSantis - the obsession continues:

:: Peter 10:23 PM [+] ::
...

Jesus.... if you blog it, they will come. 95 hits yesterday - and I know most people don't give a shit, but it just surprised me since my last record was 79. I know I wrote a lot but I did on the day I set 79 as well - and you guys just blew it out of the water.

I really didn't think I was going to start writing about specific people until just days before I left, but as the future looks I may not be ABLE to in those days, and so I'd have to finish once I got to school which seems unlikely. Not only will I be incredibly busy meeting people, I'll probably be missing the hell out of you.

Another problem becomes immediately apparant as I think of this - when I get to school, my blogging will be so full of new things but probably slowed by time. So many of you may not read it as often, and may not get the message I'm about to give.

I had intended, have intended, and still intend, to create a public forum for use among our friends, our aquaintances, and anyone from the Wellesley area who wanted to keep in some semblance of touch. I'm not talking about some cheap bullshit easy forum like the ones I've used to discuss topics - I'm talking about the real deal. Name/handle registration, side pics (a picture of your choice by your posts, adds a visual aspect), collapsed topics of unlimited size, a better graphical layout, and basically just an online community. To discuss whatever the fuck you want, or just talk about what's going on, and just ..... everything.

I'd been told not to put it up until after people got to school.... so I think I won't. But I want people to know it's going to be there, because goddamnit I hope you'll use it. Not only because I want a way to keep in touch with you, but because I really hope that if you guys all have a way to stay in touch with each other we really might be less separated come Thanksgiving break. It's the first few months that scare me the most.

That's the story.
:: Peter 12:21 AM [+] ::
...

DeSantis made a mistake - and I guess I did, in not being clear. When I called Chris an unsung choral hero who's acknowledged in other fields, I meant Chris Holownia. I've tried to refer to DeSantis as DeSantis to make that clarification. But I could have easily - the only reason I didn't mention DeSantis is that I've already sort of sung his story. Personally I feel he's a better singer than Holownia; it's not that Chris is at all bad (Chris? Bad at anything he did?) but that DeSantis is actually quite good and largely unrecognized. But as I said a few blogs back.... DeSantis is the reason I started singing again. We were all in Brooks Brothers together in 8th grade and then he stuck with it, and I didn't. That was my mistake as well, and his good choice. And he made Rice Street and I was like wow.... that's really cool. And as I saw people make select groups I said hey, I want to do this again.... but it was mostly DeSantis. I'd sung with DeSantis before and I knew honestly music wasn't his first priority. But if he could do it, then so could I. Wow, that sounded really arrogant, and I didn't mean it to - it was like one of those things where I used his level of achievement to set a goal for myself. If/when I made music a priority for me, and it is, I knew that -I- could achieve at that level as well. That sounds a bit better.

DeSantis also was a crucial part of the spirit of Rice Street this year, last year, and I'm told the year before. During the audition process for our junior year group, Emily Eisen told me, and I quote, "[DeSantis] makes that group so much more fun..... if [Tremblay] cuts him, I'm going to quit." Whether or not she would have is questionable but the point is this isn't just my opinion. DeSantis -is- an unsung choral hero, and something of a choral hero for non chorus kids. The guy is a state championship caliber athelete, and still manages to sing in a select group. He's a ridiculous renessaince (damn I mispelled that) man. The way he trains, and the standards he sets for himself.... it's absurd. Senior Athelete of the year was without a doubt between him and Matt Andrews - Matt is EXCEPTIONALLY talented, and I don't think it should take anything away from DeSantis that he didn't win it.... but if they look at it from anything but an atheletic standpoint, I think DeSantis has it hands down. Academically he's on par with or even above Andrews, and extracurricurly I'm pretty certain Matty doesn't do anything anywhere close to Chris' three years with Rice Street. As a High School Senior athelete, I feel DeSantis is probably more complete. Add in the leading of his team to the conference championship and the win at conference meet (something the team hasn't done in quite a while), both of which is was probably the most vital part of.... and it's in my opinion a misplaced award. If that's the standard you judge.

So I'm sorry - when I said Chris was an unsung hero, I did mean Holownia. But don't think of this as any kind of an afterthough. I mean, shit. Look at my last blog. I wrote 7 pages and talked about.... 5 people. I have more good to say about dozens of people, just not the persistance and time to write it all. DeSantis was at the time just one of those people I didn't get to talking about yet - but he heard what he did and I realized that I hadn't said it.... but I should. It would have been an unintentional lie to simply correct him, because although I wasn't talking about him at the time, everything I said about Chris applied to DeSantis EXCEPT his being recognized in other fields. And quite a lot more. DeSantis has had a vital impact on the good things I did in high school - he was one of the primary reasons I started singing again sophomore year and eventually made Rice Street (a group of friends I'll feel a part of for life), and he was clearly the primary reason I joined the Swim Team and found something I'll probably love forever, just a hair before it was too late.

Thanks again Chris.... and be proud of yourself. I guarentee you people are noticing.
:: Peter 12:01 AM [+] ::
...

About baseball, I'm not a big fan of how they decide earned runs. The situation:

Yes, Fossum put runners on 1st and 2nd w/ no outs himself. But then a guy reaches on a ground ball error, loading the bases, when it should be 2nd and 3rd with 1 out. Fossum strikes out the next batter, so it becomes bases loaded 1 out instead of 2-3 and 2 outs. Next batter sac flies, but the sac fly isn't an availible run in the event that the error wasn't commited and therefore the run shouldn't be earned.

But since the batter reached off of Fossum, it is.

Wait - in the moments since I started this, the run has been ruled unearned. Good, at least the now two runs scored won't be charged to Fossum. He earned his way out of his jam.


:: Peter 11:33 PM [+] ::
...

Hey so here's something of a tell more, and something of a blogging explanation.

A lot of you have told me stuff, like you don't know how I can just open up to people like this. Some of you have blogged it, and others have said they want to try, or said they're afraid. Others still have opened up even more than I have, because they're that confident. Well here's my explanation, my story.

I touched on it blogging last night when I mentioned having to make up 18 years it two months - what it comes down to is that I see my high years school as an abysmal failure. Think about it. What's your high school carreer supposed to consist of?

Learning to get work done

Heh.... I accomplished everything I need to, but I know and we all know I could have done better.

Get into college

Well.... let's be honest. I didn't get into my college of choice, and I'm not even 100% sure that would have been my college of choice if I'd worked harder at the search process. And I probably could have would have if I'd forseen the dissapointment and put in the work that I could have. I'm going to a school I'll be happy at but far away from my mother, which I'm really upset about. Because I failed to do what I needed

High School Romance

Heh, capital letters there. It's a storybook style, but honestly a lot of people have it. A whole lot of people.... and as I think about it, only a few of my friends (myself included) really didn't. Yes, towards the end of the line I had a girlfriend for five months.... but as a few of you might have figured out (I've never really told anyone) it was pretty clearly doomed from the start by situation, and stressed constantly. There were very few good days. Add into that my four year flirtation with idealism and you've got a whole lot of heartbreak and a painful reality check.

Succeed at and be recognized for what you enjoy

This is more of an idealogical thing but for a whole lot of people it IS realistic, and if you can pull it off it really can put some kind of a cap on your pride, your accomplishment. To be proud of yourself is crucial, but for others to publically acknowledge you.... well, it sure as hell helps your spirit. For me, a failure to forsee this desire cost me - As a few of you may know by now, Chad attempted to (as has often been dong w/ musical awards) give the senior choral award to both Kate Hess and myself. In the end, Kate was the only one who got it - and don't get me wrong, I think she's earned it. But so did I.... and Dr. Niccolucci vetoed it, on the grounds of my conflicts with Ms. Tremblay, my open criticism of her, and my blatant defiance of them in Germany in the face of their lying to our parents, endangering the health of a friend, and utter disrespect for the students under their control. Personally I don't see what the fuck that has to do with my performance as a senior choral member - I'm damn proud of my contribution to that program. My failure to forsee just how much recognition would come to mean to me cost me.

Aside: There are other unsung heroes of the choral program as well... it's hard to call Chris unsung because of how often he gets recognized for excellence in other things, but he's rarely in our school been recognized for his sheer musical talent and leadership. Then there's Natalie - a rock solid three year member of a group that has done some amazing things had had all sorts of troubles, just like every other group. She's excelled for them during good times and bad, but because she's a non-confrontational person by her nature her personal achievement goes somewhat unrecognized sometimes. She's never let personal problems get in the way of her contribution to the group. Some of you may think oh, she's your friend, of course you say that - you obviously don't know me well enough. I don't give anyone credit for anything they haven't earned. Then there are folks like Joanna. You all probably know I don't really like Joanna much - we clash in general, but I can't help but respect her perseverance with the whole process. She's a good and dedicated singer, and for one reason or another through three opportunities and auditions never made a select group. I don't know how it feels - I made Rice Street on my first try, and 2:00 Jazz Band on my second. BUT I -DO- know how I felt after my second jazz band audition when I was thinking.... if i don't make this, I might just quit. I was ready to. And I know one person at least who after not making a select choir in hune's 3rd audition, dropped Concert Choir and all singing groups just out of bitterness.... that's not the kind of singer who -belonged- in a select group. Joanna is the type of singer who keeps at it because she loves it, and is a priceless member of the groups she participates in because of that. I hate the feeling that she was something of a victim of circumstance, because when you look at next year another one of those persistant auditioners - Andy Brown - has finally made it. I hope Andy does well next year, and I think he's got a chance at it, but I know Joanna was clearly, -clearly- better at the beginning of her senior year than Andy is now.

Just some examples of unsung heroes I wanted to talk about.

Yeah, but high school. Off topic now I'm out of details of things I feel like I could have/should have done, and didn't. But I don't feel a whole lot of stuff that I should have done and DID. JSA? I let a personal conflict come between me and something I really loved.... that was a huge mistake. Rice Street, and the rest of the music I made? That.... that I enjoyed, but I always know I could have done better if I'd worked. Like the rest of school academically, I happened to be decently good at making music just because of who I am, and although it was "good enough" to get me into something I wanted to do, I basically feel like I let everyone down by not putting everything I know I could have in every aspect, every time. Some people I know did.

So high school.... was a failure.

What good DO I take away from it? Very little by numbers, but a few things that are of crucial importants to me. A firm belief in my ability to read people, and an understanding of what that means in relation to others. And more importantly, some of the best friends I think I'll ever have. Friends I really DO intend to stay in touch with through college, and maybe forever. Natalie, Sasha, Matt, Jack, Alex. Probably Andrew, at least to some extent.

The rest of you? I wish we could stay in touch. I really, really do, and I really, really want to. But we were never even in touch enough when we were all here - mostly, I think because you didn't want to be in touch with me. At least not actively. If you never made the attempt don't expect me to do the same. I tried for years and now you know what? I give up on you. If you have a change of heart and start talking to me, maybe I'll start caring about you again, but I've pretty much figure out who my real friends are. DeSantis is right - it's a label I've used too lightly.

So high school was a failure. This is why I can blog.

I've pretty much decided I don't give a fuck what the rest of you think of me as long as you think of me for who I am. So here we go - part one of my tell all. Let's talk about all the people you may think you know how I feel about and you really, really don't. Starting... now.
Bonnie. Chronlogically, she moved here in fourth grade and everyone knew she was cute as hell from the start. So there's an inclination to try and be nice to her because maybe, something comes out of it. Come high school and we somehow ended up having similar friends and I started seeing her more often.... and wow. She started to bother the shit out of me. I personally think she grew up slower than some of us, and grew dependant of other people. Some of those other people were good friends of mine, and I know they felt used at times. I hated that and I let a good few people know it. I still hate people who do it.... but she doesn't anymore. And the reality, maybe the secret, is that I've always had a soft spot for her. There was always something about her, just this natural warmth, that got to me, so it ripped me apart when she did things that I couldn't respect. She's stopped that, and maybe I've grown a bit more tolerant as well. As we leave and we both open up a bit, in this last year she's become one of the best people I wish I was closer to.... she's grown as a person to the point where I no longer have any apprehensions about seeing her or about her in general. Now, she makes me happy. I wish her the best. Oh, and one more thing - Ry. All I'll say is that sometimes, everyone has to move on, but you handled it (at least in my opinion) exceptionally well. You've caused no bitter faces at the end of that story. I hope it was a story that in time will become a solid part of your past, and a shining spot in your memory.

Next? Any of you who are reading that might be thinking where the hell could he go next that would baffle me more, or for others what else that I knew all along is he going to tell the world. Who's the next logical person - well, one of only two other people that I've heard as many people so certain that I hated as people told me about Bonnie.

Alexis. What a history here - I don't honestly remember where it started... I think we decided at some point in after school or something, I just remember having known her practically forever. So we've got some childhood, colored memories of each other, and then the reality. From eighth grade, when Sasha and Kate, respective best friends, brought us into each others' light. Let's get one thing straight - my feelings about her have changed, -drastically-, since those first few months. Back then she was the queen of the whiners - she's said it herself, when we've talked about it. It was like a talent she practiced and I'm sure you all know it made me want to cut my teeth out if it would make her stop. I had to tolerate her because of the friends thing, and it was like..... ugh. Well it's hard to describe what happened, because I didn't see it at the time, but over the course of freshman year something changed. I think it was mostly her, although I know I was changing drastically about that time too - I've blogged about it. In the course of about a year, Kate had become the whiner of the pair, and Alexis had become a real person. And then, I can pinpoint exactly the moment in my mind when I suddenly saw her as more - and in that exact moment, I just saw her smile realized that things had changed. From that moment on things had changed, because suddenly I had positive feelings for this girl who I only sort of knew. Over sophomore year that didn't change much, but Rice Street would be the big one. We suddenly saw each other constantly in a small group, and despite the fact that in that year she was already an alum and I was the new kid on the block, it only took a month or two before I was solidly part of the group. On and off we became sort of friends, and she and I sort of got to know each other, and by now we were juniors and all of our friends we doing things more often. So as we all went out more often we all became better friends, and eventually it lead up to Germany.

BTW - I want to make a definition here. I use the word "relationship" exactly how it's SUPPOSED to be used, not the way a lot of people assume it is. Relationship has no romantic connotation, or even more a sexual one, unless specifically used as such. Sasha and I have a relationship, my mother and I have one, Ms. Novogrosky and I have one - I hate her, and she certainly dislikes me. but it's a relationship. So understand that as i use this word again - people have misunderstood me the way I use it before.

Germany was the pinnacle of Alexis and I's relationship. There was a lot of honest friendship, and a lot of flirtation. There were massages in McDonald's, and a two hour bus ride she spent asleep lain across me in my arms. It was a good, good time. There was no hookup, nothing physical that got in the way. It was just good. Unfortunately, near the end I noticed a serious problem - it was getting in the way, at the time, of my friendship with Natalie. Most of the time I'm unclear on the topic, but at that moment it was obvious to me that a friendship as important as Natalie's was far more crucial than a possible budding romance. And so as I was about to do something sweet, I was on my way over to the rose salesman in on the street in Germany... and I was pulling out my wallet and I realized, what the fuck am I doing. I'm completely ignoring one of the best friends I've ever had. And so just before I handed over five marks, I realized I wasn't going to buy a rose for Alexis - I realized I'd buy it for Natalie. Did I possibly miss a chance? Yes. Do I regret it? Not for a second. Natalie's a friend I'll have forever, and a friend I can trust beyond any comparison. And I seriously think, as much trouble as our friendship was in at that point in time (and it wasn't Alexis, but more so the fact that Natalie was having rough times personally and I was being a lousy friend by not noticing them, and not helping her) it probably wouldn't have survived if I walked by her with that rose. So I did something sweeter, and saved my relationship with one of my two best friends. No, I've no regrets about that whatsoever. One of the best decisions I've ever made.
Germany ended, and the summer was reasonably inactive, and then it was senior year. And the difference was in Rice Street. Suddenly Alexis and I weren't on the same side anymore, because she was the intensive. And I can say this as a concert band intensive - it's a fucking BAD idea. Don't do it, except maybe in Jazz Band. Just don't do it - it's not worth it. I wanted to be a concert band intesive to get stuff done, like teaching the band to march and shaping up the pep band. Nobody listens though - that's just school for you. And yet it's got to be worse in a select group.... because there is just about nobody in that group who can't do your job. Everyone in a select group is talented, and is there because they can hold their own. And we all knew that about ourselves, to some extent. So when suddenly there's some student bickering at you and trying to lord over you as a surrogate teacher.... you take offense. That's not the right way to be an intensive. In my opinion, Chris Holownia and Aaron Proznitz got it right, and on the jazz band side, Sasha and John Prensner. My gut says Leah Miller probably did too, but I never saw her in her position as intensive. It was leadership by example, and leadership as an equal. Chris I saw a bit from the outside and although he corrected people, structured things, and led the group, he never held himself over anyone. There was never the "hey guys, it's my time." or "look at me I'm in charge, now you have to pay attention." Aaron? Well what CAN'T you say good about Aaron - he's an absolutely phenomenal singer and an equally awesome guy. And he was a silent leader, brilliantly executed because he had everyone's respect withoout their animosity. That's what everyone else got wrong. That's what I got wrong, what Eisen got wrong, what Abby got wrong, what Stuart got wrong, what Alexis got wrong, what Kate got wrong, what John Hearn got wrong. It's not an easy job to do and we all managed to get it wrong. But for that year.... Alexis and I were on opposite sides. I was something unique - I was an intensive in Rice Street, but not a Rice Street intensive. To some extent I became the voice of the bass section, and some of the guys in general. Jack did it for the tenors - he SHOULD have been an intensive, and he would have gotten it right. Fuck Tremblay and her stupid rules.... she got three intensives right out of nine she picked in the two years I was in the select program. But Alexis and I were on opposite sides, and so professionally we had to conflict. And it strained the personal relationship a lot, and it just fell apart. I've still got that place in my memories for her though.

I'd write about more people right now, but it's 6:10 PM and I've GOT to get some packing done before I eat dinner and go get my haircut. I bet this blog is too long for blogger to handle - nope, it wasn't.

I think I feel better having told those stories though.
:: Peter 6:10 PM [+] ::
...

It dawned on me just now as I re-thought a tell all, in the final days before most of you leave and the more important final days before I leave, that I only have a couple of questions to answer off the top of my head.

That's not much of an "all," is it?

So the reality became clear - I've got a whole lot to tell, but it's not that structured. I'm not sure what I want to say because more importantly I don't know what I think people should hear. I know what -I- want certain people to hear, and I'll probably tell that. But I don't know what people want to know.

So tell me. Tell me tell me tell me. Email me. (if that link's no good for you, talon@gwu.edu)

I want to know, so I can tell you. I'm not promising any answers to any specific questions: I'm just promising to answer as many as I can. And I don't need to know who you are; I'd like to, but that's just my own curiousity. It's more important that I answer the questions that other people want answered, about myself, my feelings, and my reality. Use a fake email address if you want, or a secret one, or ask somebody else to forward the question or something. Just get it to me.

That's what this blog is for, at least now. It used to be about my just rambling about going off to college, and closing out this section of my life. Then I realized.... that most of you don't know my life for what it is, and worse most of you think that it's something it's not. As honestly as I've tried to live these past few years I've failed to portray myself for who I am - I failed myself, I failed those around me. So this blog has become some kind of a way for me to try and jump all the way up the ladder, and see how many rungs I can clear in very, very little time. I've had to make two months of blogging make up for 18 years of judgement.

To some extent, I think I've succeeded.

In the next two weeks, we'll know for sure, make or break. Yes, I now have officially less than 2 weeks.

If you jump for the second rung, it's easy to hit, and easy to catch. If you jump for the tenth you'll often miss it, but you have a chance of catching the eighth, or the sixth on the way down, but it gets harder. Sometimes you even make the tenth.

I'm jumping for 20. Chris DeSantis may remember what happened when I jumped for four - I missed, and it was bad. I've got longer arms now though, and stronger legs. Mixing metaphor and reality? Metaphors are reality, at least in the surreality that is my mind and my blog. I think I've got good readers, you can handle it.

Don't forget. Tell me what you want to know.
:: Peter 4:20 AM [+] ::
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Don't give me that bullshit Alex. It's Thursday, way early AM. You leave Saturday. If you're writing off the next 48 hours as completely unbloggable, I'm dissapointed in you.

Do something worth writing about. Or tell somebody what you wanted to.

Maybe that's what I'll do. Maybe that's the plan for Friday.

Holy shit. Maybe that's the answer.
:: Peter 4:02 AM [+] ::
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This is the first blog I haven't written because of how other people will react. Not because people will dislike me for it or anything but because I know some of you will manage to be as fucking stupid as you have before and judge my writing not on the actual words I use and the sentences I shape, but on the subject matter. Very rarely do my friends piss the hell out of me more than when they seem to try and deny my right to an honest, grounded opinion.

This was going to be a post about the honest upside, along with the reality. Then I realized that those of you who are fucking stupid weren't worth the trouble of having to deal with. Don't ask me what I was talking about unless you are one hundred percent sure you're not the one being fucking stupid, or ready to hear that you are. Because I'm -not- going to discuss this subject with you, I'm just going to tell you that I won't discuss it with you. Because there are some arguments even I don't think are worth it, even on principle. Some people are too fucking dumb/stubborn about certain things to get it.

Well, the incompetance of the quasi-mass has finally managed to silence the honesty of my blog.

I almost feel like this is where I should stop blogging. And then, I consider writing out the WHOLE story AND the names of the fucking idiots who have judged me on subject and not content.

Then I calm down. And realize your stupidity is no reason to change the way I've been living, and blogging. Believe it or not people like Lauren Rich and Betsy Littlefield, who most of you would see me as having virtually nothing to do with in a game of six degrees of separation, are worth more to me than those of you who try and castrate my opinion. At least as far as this blog is concerned - this blog is SOLELY those opinions, the kind some of you seem to think I don't deserve. For the people who care to read them. For some of you, this blog is not for you.

And now that I'm calming down a bit and getting back to honesty, for those of you who it IS for - for all the good friends who've been able to disagree with me on certain subject and ADMIT DIFFERENCE IN OPINION, you are the truly open minded spirits who help me get by in life. Another great character trait most of my friends have, and that I thank you for. And the rest of my audience - the people I'm not that good friends with, yet who still read my blog despite the fact that I guarentee we disagree on some things (if we don't, we should probably be friends) and yet still want to read, you too I thank. Because you also keep an open mind and value individuality.

You are worth it.

Others are not.
:: Peter 3:58 AM [+] ::
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About where you write your blogs:

As John Curran posts a blog about how HIS computer died after writing a great blog entry (he now makes I think the eighth person, myself included, to have that happen to just that I've spoken with. And I only read maybe 10 blogs), the thought of writing long blogs in a word processor appeals. Apparantly, that's what Jack did, just instinctively and then pasted it in.

If I wrote my blogs in Word, where everything autosaves damn near every minute, I wouldn't lose as much if it died. In fact, I would keep 90% of my long blogs. But to do that, I'd have to know how long I'm going to write every time, or just blog in Word all the time.

Just an idea to propose to you all - blogging in a word proccessor, preferably one that autosaves. I know I'll never do it - but I thought I'd mention it.
:: Peter 1:10 AM [+] ::
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Good wording.

"One blog, glory.... one blog, before I go..."

http://neumega.blogspot.com/

:: Peter 12:49 AM [+] ::
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work sucked.

it tends to, but it was just hard, and no fun, and a lot of dana's friends came and distracted her which made her work less which sucked, because I had to work more. kate showed up and that was cool but she couldn't stay and talk cause people she was with were running off.

counting the people I think I will actively seek out and see on break - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5..... five certainly. people I might LIKE to see but probably won't waste my time seeing - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.... that's about it.


I really have no underclassmen. and there are a couple of seniors I'd really like to see but I won't, because I know I can't.
:: Peter 11:40 PM [+] ::
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