:: Closing Time ::

:: Sunday, August 04, 2002 ::

I read blogs, and think about people because of what they say in their blogs. Isn't that why we blog, so people will hear what we say and think about it?

So DeSantis responded to my musing about friends, by saying that he didn't really consider me a friend. Despite the fact that I'm not sure whether -I- consider him a friend, that didn't bother me. I think it would bother a lot of people, instinctively, and deeply. The thing is, I think I understand him well enough (better than most of the general public who don't know him at all) to realize that he'd never make a statement like that without thought behind it. And he kept going, saying that he basically considers that he counts his friends on one hand.

People define "friend" differently. I definately think I've got a few friends at a certain level of friendship that I can count on one hand, but I wouldn't call the rest not friends. The difference between me and Chris is that while he doesn't disrespect the rest of us who may not be "friends," he knows in his head who is most important to him. When I really think about it, I think I could do that, but I'm not sure I would as quasi-automatically as he seems to. It kind of goes with his general intensity about life as a whole. Last year when we were talking about the shit going down in Rice Street, Chris layed it out plainly for the group to see, no questions asked. "My three major priorities, in order, are swimming, school, and then singing." He was honest with us and basically told us this is what is, take it or leave it. I think just about everybody realized that he was clearly an important member of the group and that yes, maybe we wouldn't get top priority. But we'd certainly take it.

But that's why it doesn't bother me that he calls me not a friend. For all intents and purposes we really haven't been friends for a while, and I respect the honesty he gives to just about everything.

As for the Baltic sea, well...... shit, I would have been dissappointed if you -hadn't- swam in it.


P.S: ok, the detailed reality of how I joined swim team. In RSS one day I commented that I never had Chris teach me to swim, just jokingly. Well, I'm not sure if it was Jack or Sergel, but somebody else was like "so join the team." I balked. Backpeddled. But we had a little talk about the learn to swim lane and stuff and well.... I considered it. And next period in calc I mentioned it to Schram and HE was all for it. And I mentioned it to Drew and he was more for it than anyone. So I started swimming with Jack and Sergel before school at the Wellesley center, and I started hating it. But after a week.... it got a bit better. And I started enjoying myself. And then somehow, two weeks later, the appeal wore off and I started hating it again. So come the end of thanksgiving break with the first practice coming up, I was feeling like shit in the water and like shit about myself (I basically was dissapointed with my whole performance in the musical, and the musical itself. Which really upset me because I'd been looking forward to that specific show for a good couple of years). Practice came....

.... and I buckled.

By the day of the first practice... I had decided not go to. I wasn't going to join the team, that was a dumb idea. Stupid. Absurd, I couldn't do it and I wouldn't enjoy it. The reactions of different people were characteristic. Schram gave me his opinion but in general was somewhat distant. Chris basically nodded sternly, as stoic as ever and isolated. It was my decision to make which honestly wouldn't affect the caliber of his team either way, and he had a season to go about leading. Drew wouldn't accept it though. Drew sent me IM after IM within and hour before practice started and basically wouldn't take no for an answer. Talk to the coaches, he said. Try it out, he said. Listen to them, they'll be honest with you. There are some people who simply shouldn't be swimmers - they told John Gould it probably wasn't for him. They'll know what to do to help you, if you're still at all interested.

In the end, I don't even think it was the fact that Drew was really behind me that made me go. That's what made me start thinking again, and start thinking positively. But at least once it crossed my mind that honestly, Sergel was in probably worse shape than I was when he started, and he was working his ass off, no questions, no qualms. I'd seen him doing it, and I'd seen Jack. And with all the help Jack had taken his time to give me, and honestly all the work I'd seen Sergel put in towards his own debut.... I knew I owed it at least a chance.

And after day one, I really never looked back.

So Chris, you were the original inspiration, and all season you were the inspiration for intensity. When I finally crossed thresholds and pulled things off, and suddenly realized the reason you do what you do and pushed myself that much harder, you were the inspiration for determination and intensity. But Pete, Jack, you guys were the inspiration for the attempt, and the continued attempt. Because Sergel was taking his first shot at something he'd never done and taking it in a big way.... and because Jack, despite the fact that he was never a sectionals swimmer or anything "ranked" like that, still did what he did and swam and swam and swam because well, that's just what he does. He was a swimmer, and a member of the team, just because. I'm not sure you can respect a guy like Simpson who's just gifted the same way you can respect a guy who's -not- that successful, but still gives it his everything anyhow. And finally Drew. You were the push I needed to keep me going on the days that I simply wasn't. On day one, on day ten, and on the last day, when suddenly.... it was all over. Throughout all those days when you weren't feeling at your best, and when you were dissapointed in your performance. You still helped me, and still were supportive of the little steps I was taking that you had taken years ago, because I was taking them at all. And then when you finally DID have your breakout moment at conference and made your states cut. And you were proud of yourself, and we were proud of you, but you were still proud of everyone else. Thanks.

Thanks, all of you.
:: Peter 3:24 AM [+] ::
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