:: Closing Time ::

:: Tuesday, August 20, 2002 ::

Never fails: read other blogs, find something to respond to.

"But silence, while staring at the stars, is more profound or meaningful than any conversation.

That`s what you`re missing, Pete... "

Missing? That's a strong accusation there. Personally, I don't feel like I'm missing shit. I spend so much time sitting in silence, seeing the world, that I find I get lost in it and lose touch with people. The walks at five AM to see the sunrise. The staring out on the water... just about any water, I do it, for ten minutes on end, in dead silence. World searching. Not soul searching, not even sometimes thinking. But world searching.

What I'm missing are too many of the times that the people around me, the joy of my life, have had memories I can't share. You said it yourself - "How much have I missed?" To that I say, only as much as you care to have had and have not. In eighteen years, I've never missed the stars. I know they'll be there tomorrow - as much as environmentalist evangelists would have us believe that nature is doomed, I honestly do not think I will possibly see the end of nature, nor my children, or my grandchildren. I don't believe it. It's too robust, and more powerfull than we are. I see trees every day... if I suddenly feel the need to see more trees, or have seen more, I can go see it. I can't get these people back. All I've ever missed are experiences with people, times with people, moments with people. In the end, they really are just rocks burning up in the sky. I've not seen Joanna since that evening, nor Peter Hill, nor you. And I'm reasonably certain I will not before I go to college. I didn't really go out to see the rocks. It was a fringe benefit. A pleasure, certainly.... but one I would not have enjoyed on my own.

Which brings me to another topic, entirely separated. But prompted by another blog. Another great friend that I have had, who unfortunately I no longer do. A person I've missed, very deeply, but been happy for... because her life to date has been better for her than it was when I was part of it.

Kaitlin Mosely. Honestly, one of the single most remarkable people I've ever known. How I met her was weird - she and Ashley and Elise were friends, and Ashley and I were close.... and so at the end of eighth grade when Lauren Costello was having a big party which all the cool kids were invited to, some of us were talking about crashing. Well.... we met up there, and a few of us even went in (I did), but in the end about eight people ended up walking to Katie's house (yeah... she was definitely Katie then, and I'll always think of her as Katie). And we all chilled and talked and stuff, and I really don't remember too many details of the situation. I remember she was pretty. You're groaning right now thinking goddamnit, you're pathetic - the only people you talk about or give a shit about are the ones you're attracted to. If that was you.... fuck off. I've always felt confined by the feeling that any time a guy gives a girl an honest compliment it seems like he's hitting on her. I couldn't say that Katie was attractive even when it was clear we were good friends, even when she had a boyfriend and was happy, whenever. It would have been awkward but damnit I always WANTED to say it, so it's my blog and I'm going to say it. It's just one of those things I've had to say about people that I can't. Anyhow, Katie - I don't remember how it happened, but somehow I IM'd her one day. And we started talking. And I IM'd her again, and we kept talking. And just like that we were friends. Talking daily, constantly. Within about a month, she became the person I called every day. For years I had somebody who I would call every day, just to talk, because I loved having a friend to share things with like that. Katie and I told each other so much, understood each other so well. So many things about her amazed me. First, she was already certain that she wanted to go to NYU to study fashion, and design clothing. She was doing sketches already, had designed a bunch of stuff. That she isn't going to, and didn't even apply? Irrelevant. She changed her mind, we all do.... but at the time, before most anyone, she had that drive, that direction. This went on just about all the way through freshman year.... and then, we slowly drifted apart. One of the last things I remember her saying to me, around May.... "Damnit, we had better have a class together next year." Katie, if you ever possibly read this, ever possibly get to hear what I said.... you've no idea how much that meant to me. Because right there, that was one of the first and only times I've had somebody who -I- wanted to spend more time with make clear that they wanted the same. We were great friends.

Then came sophomore year.

I've mentioned that I fucked up sophomore year... this was another way. My friends were changing. I definitively wasn't friends with the friends I'd had from middle school before.... and then the group we'd formed around eighth grade, which had led me to Katie, but primarily those two friends - Ashley and Katie - ..... as fate would have it, had become very good friends with the friends who had backstabbed me at the time. Dear god, did that hurt like hell. Like hell like hell like hell like hell like hell. Katie and I had kept in touch a bit longer, but among other issues the group dynamic was lost. They were a group now.... Katie and I were just still friends. Except the funny thing is, as she commented once.... we virtually never talked to each other face to face. We never saw each other in school - she was effectively in camp with the enemy by then. We didn't have any classes together. When she did things, it was with her friends and her new friends. My old friends who weren't my friends anymore. I was clearly not included. So we never -really- were friends, I guess. Just maybe more like conversationalists, confidants. I knew I could trust her though, and I knew she didn't give me any bullshit. So I guess actually, even with my new definition, she was definately a friend. She was somebody I would certainly have, and still would, make time and an effort to see. But sophomore year. I'm not revealing any huge secret here, so I can make the big one clear as to how I fucked up - to anyone who ever saw her around, it became pretty clear that Katie was losing a lot of weight. A -lot- of weight. The long story short is she fought, and fought, and eventually figured things out and succeeded. I always knew she would, but didn't know how to help her. Come second term we were suddenly in the same english class, like she'd wished for. Even sitting next to each other, talking to each other. But it wasn't the same for effectively a pair of reasons. Yes, we'd started drifting apart when summer approached and her new friends (w/ her old friends) and my new friends (w/ sasha) took up more of our time... and we just stopped talking often, if at all. She also seemed to be online less. I stopped calling when we stopped talking online. What I did next was the most thoughtless thing I think I've done as a friend. I was at camp for three weeks, and we were out of contact by then, and so I didn't notice that she wasn't around... and then though, when I got back home, I never noticed that she wasn't there either. Never online, never called. I didn't know that one of my best friends of merely a few months ago was fighting for her life in and out of a hospital. I am honestly deeply ashamed of myself as I write it.... because I can't believe I would easily forgive somebody.

I expect she hasn't either.

We were never really friends again. Twice more we talked, and both for long hours, as she told me things and I told her things, both I think without another good friends who we could really discuss LIFE, and deep life with. I think Katie and I both always perceived that we understood things a little more deeply a little sooner than a lot of people.... if you all got it, you sure as hell didn't show it to us in any way, so how were we to know. But we shared our lives with each other again for one night, and I almost thought the bridges could be mended. And again once more - but I can't talk about that now because I just had the blogging epiphany I think I've been silently waiting for.

I've just discovered what my blog is. And why I've written it. And how I got to the point of telling all this truth to the world. And why I had the compulsion to save it, all. And I think why I write it so deeply.

This blog was started on May 19th. A week after my self paper was due. A self paper which I described as "a pull no punches tell all," because I was prepared to share those thoughts with Mr. McCormick. A great teacher, and a man I deeply trust. And yet.... in that week as we did personal discussions, and presentations.... I changed. Because in that english class I found an incredible group of people, every one essential to the class in their own dynamic and individuality. A better class I've not been part of. I trusted them, even the ones I really didn't. And I told them everything, told them about my life. For the first time in years, Katie and I discussed our past publically and talked to each other across a room about some things we still share.

I told Mr. McCormick I was planning on writing an addendum. That I wanted to keep going, that my self paper had helped my find myself. I thought that I'd become lazy, I thought that it had lost meaning for me. I'm so very blind.

This is it.

Clairvoyance fills me. And I'm seriously debating emailing either my blog address, or my entire blog contents to Mr. McCormick. He asked me to email him any addendum I wrote.

That's how I got here. People ask me how I can just tell the world everything.... this is how I figured it out. Look at my english class. Even if you skip half the people, go around the room. Alice Peisch, Ara Zusky, Rachel Wessel, Sarah Fiorillo, Andrew Chira, Michael Metzger, Myself, Devon Reed. Mr. McCormick himself. Even if you ignore the people I skipped (and they just complicate the issue even MORE, because of their differences as well), I don't htink you can make an even pairing between any two people on that list. We're all so very different, so very catagorized. But VERY different. And during the self paper presentations I felt a moment of absolute and utter trust, because somebody else shared a story. I can't remember who or what it was - but it didn't matter. In that moment I realized that the different people, the people I didn't understand, were not to be distrusted. I realized I HAD to trust them, or they'd always be different, always be unknown. So I took a huge risk, and told them everything. Everything in my self paper, and a lot that wasn't in it. It was deep. And I really think they appreciated it.... because I could see it on their faces, hear it in their words.

I realized I have to trust the world or the world will never trust me. That's what politicians don't get. They lie to the world and are inherantly distrusted. Lose credibility.

This blog gives me the credibility I've always wanted, to be honest. And lets me make connections with everyone I've always wanted to know.

This is the addendum to my self paper.

Still without a doubt the single most critical assignment I think I've ever been given.

Brilliant, whoever came up with it. Absolutely brilliant, absolutely crucial.

Thank you. Everyone.

Unfortunately I need to add a caveat, a privacy thing. If any of you feel you've been mentioned in this blog to the extent that you would NOT want it sent to Dennis McCormick, a former member of the WHS english staff... let me know. If I send it to him I'll take you out, or I'll weigh the idea of not sending it to him.

But I want him to know that I really did write my addendum. He has my deepest respect and now that I figure out the impact he's had on me, gratitude. He asked me to email him an addendum. I owe him that much.

And to think. People say I've started something with this blog - me, I'm not so sure I believe it. If I have.... I hope it helps you all like it's helped me.

Realize the power in what words you put down. And cherish it.
:: Peter 1:59 AM [+] ::
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