:: Closing Time ::

:: Saturday, August 17, 2002 ::

Now I'm furious.... because I just lost a good blog because my fucking idiot father decided that when we were already running all THREE air conditioners, he has the TV on, half the lights in the house, two computers, and we're in brownouts, every light is already dim NOW is the time to try and fidget with the fucking washer/dryer to see if he can get them to work in low power.

Nice job you fucking moron, you know what happens when you overdraw a circuit? You blow the fucking fuse.

Now I need to try and remember what the words were.

It started out by saying that it was going to be my next sentimental/deep blog. Not about years of bottled up feelings or experiences or anything though.... but about me, one moment. One song.

I'm sitting here listening to mp3s and with over 1500 tracks shuffling, what comes up? One Song Glory. A song that most of you will realize affected me, at least somehow. Most of you won't realize all of it. Some of you will realize none. The obvious? It's a song about finding something to do - one thing, to make life worth it. Something I've been really fucking worried about as I juggle the possibilities of different majors, law school, and what I want to do with my life. It's easy when you give me the option - I want to be a rock star. But I don't have the talent, or the ability, I think. I write music, and I write songs.... but I don't play guitar or bass well. I've tried. I want to take lessons. But I don't think I'm ever going to be a good band type player, so I've got to sing, and only sing. And singer only band members are generally the scourge of rock bands. They've got to be absolutely exceptional to be worth it (steven tyler), and I'm not. so I'm scared about what I'm gonna do with my life.

But what else it triggered.... was Jack's blog, and Jack's song. Jack referred to his blog as such because it was one shot. One statement to say everything he wanted to .... a courageous approach, a bold one. I expected no less from him, but of course had no idea of the specific. And it's suddenly getting to me that today..... yes, today now, it's 2:00 AM. Today I will see one of my best friends for the last time until Thanksgiving.

That day is finally here, and I'm scared.

One would think with Jack I would be less scared than most, for several reasons. One, we're both planning to go visit Rice Street, and I wouldn't be surprised if we went together. Two.... well, let's just say there are aspects about him that are unique amongst my friends, and some of them match with certain aspects of mine that don't mesh with just everyone. We'll have those things together, I'm pretty certain. But then there's the reality - I'm not even sure how the hell we became friends. It was effectively in the scheme of things an overnight occurance. Last year we were in RSS together but not really friends. This year though, between swim team and more importantly swimming before school, RSS again, physics class, botball, and just everything, we suddenly became very good things. To be honest, I don't think about that a lot because that's the -GOOD- part, that we're friends. I don't really give a shit how it happened. It's just that his friendship is not a constant I've gotten used to having around in my life. That sentance sounds bad - it sounds as if I take Sasha, Natalie, Alex, and Matt for granted. God I don't - I know how very lucky I am to have you guys as friends. We've just been friends longer, and I'm used to thinking "Hey, let's give Natalie a call," or "I wonder if Matt wants to do something." Effectively.... Jack and I will not see each other for as long as we've been friends, barring a couple of weeks of vacation until summer break. So it scares me.

Alex is the other friend who leaves tomorrow. But with Alex the situation is somewhat different - for one, we've been very good friends for more like two years, and somewhat friends for three plus. The thing is though, he's never been that social a person even compared to me, so I honestly don't see him face to face THAT often. I've seen him face to face maybe half a dozen times this summer since/excluding Botball. I guess with most friendships that would be a problem.... but we just happen to talk on the phone, or talk online more often. And we've both got free long distance, so I'm pretty certain we'll stay in touch throughout the year. Besides, I'll have the occasional computer issue I need a hand on at the very least. And I know I can always ask for his help... that's just one of the things you get from friends. But I can say this - I don't anticipate any waking you up at 5:00 AM calls to try and fix anything. Anything that can be fixed over the phone that's crucial, I already know how to fix :) But Alex and I I'm confident will stay in close touch. Or as close as our time allows.

Jack I'm not so sure about.

You know.... I think to some extent, it's that Jack is the only one who doesn't blog. Well, no. Matt doesn't either but I'll get to Matt in a second. And is planning on not blogging, and is adamant about it. So I can't keep up with his life outside of that. Actually, I take great comfort in something he did say - that if I keep blogging he'll keep reading. Right there is more than enough reason for me to. Ignore the fact that I know it'll help my other friends keep up with my life and still know me - one would be enough reason to do it. It just feels like he's the one whose life I'm not going to be up on.

You all are thinking I'm an idiot for two reasons - one, Matt doesn't blog or anything (that I know of) so I can't use that to keep up with him, and two, Sasha's blog is currently (and probably always will be) a huge joke. Well.... I'm not at all worried about losing either of them, to any extent. Let's start with Matt, because I said I would. What can I say about Matt.... come on. The question is what CAN'T I say about Matt. What has Matt meant to my life over the past few years? An amazing amount of nothing but fun. Matt I think is basically my only friend who comes with NO baggage. I seriously question whether this guy has problems of his own, because I've never heard him complain about a damn thing. Don't get me wrong guys - eveyrone has baggage, I know that. it's part of the friendship contract :) - but Matt.... it's kind of like getting the style of a Corvette and the gas milage of a bicycle. Matt's such an easygoing friend, we've just gotten so easily since we became friends. Any time, no matter how long we've been apart, if he's been away for a month or anything, it's just " 'Sup dawg?" and everything's cool again (fyi: those of you who don't know us, don't even bother asking ;) ). Hell. The Fat Man bears a nickname that I gave him, and that's a pretty wild thing. It's the only nickname I think I've ever made for somebody that stuck at all, which is pretty cool. There's no question at all with Matt - Matt's like a brother, at all times. Just to chill, to party, to talk tech with, to laugh about the differences between our computer opinions (it's UGLY man, it's UGLY).... everything's good. Matt? Matt I don't worry about falling apart from at all. Because I know as long as we go.... we'll still be friends. No questions.

Which brings us to Sasha... who blogs in comic. Now this is gonna be a bit weird. Here's the story - as much as I had taken for a while to referring to Sasha as my best friend (he is/was/is, the more important distinction these days is that I've realized just how important to me four or five more people are... so now I use the term best friends) most of you wouldn't have a clue if you just tracked us. That's because Sasha and I don't communicate much in the generally accepted use of the word .... we don't talk on the phone much, or online except when we want/need to cover specific things. We just -DO-. We understand each other. And more importantly, we understand what to say and what -not- to say, and what not to ask. We can have an entire conversation by omission - we have, in a case or two. The understanding goes way past even face to face conversation. For this and other reasons, I also don't worry about Sasha. Even though what we had from the start - trumpet - we've lost.... he's probably going to go on to study more music, and become that much better than me (over what he already is), and he'll suddenly be in a league I can't hang in. I don't think it matters at all, if I'm studying Chemistry and he's studying Jazz. We had and will always have something that brought us together and we built a friendship in the time it gave us. And an understanding.... that's not going away. I don't care what any of you bastards think - if he had gone to Tulane, I -firmly- believe I had dibs on the floor of his room during Mardi Gras ;) But that's a bit of an aside. I'm not worried Sasha as well because of the time.... Sasha's been my friend, and an extremely good one, for longer than anyone else really. We've been very good friends since like, seventh grade. Back when I was first meeting Natalie through Mallory, I didn't know Matt or Jack existed, and Alex was just another nerd. Ahh, perceptions of a middle school idiot. Damn was I dumb. I'm pretty pleased though that I learned a bit.... because I think I did well on the true friends score card.

Which leaves Natalie - actually, one friend I AM sort of worried about keeping in touch with. Probably because although I'm not worried we'll still be friends when we get back - we will be - we just talked more, and at one point when she was going through shit and I was going through shit and for a while we weren't really good friends.... that was characterized by our not talking. And that made it worse. So I hope we'll manage to keep talking, cause otherwise we're going to have a WHOLE lot to catch up on over break, and not enough time in which to do it. The other thing - .... I've avoided reading Natalie's blog. Because you know, sometimes.... I feel like we're friends BECAUSE we talk to each other. Reading each others' blogs? Icing, maybe. I think we need to stay in touch though.... but I'm pretty certain we will.

That's the blog for the night. I'm worried as hell about missing people and losing friends. But as I write it up.... I feel better. Because I think about them and my instinct wasn't as trusting as it should have been. The rest of you? I hope we can get together when I'm back - some people may only want to see specific people, but I want to do just the opposite. See -everyone-. Whether or not we hang out now, or did last month, or before school ended.... if you care, if you want to, I'd love to see you. Now, if you want - I'll make time. Or then - I'll keep time.

Time. That's what it's all about.
:: Peter 2:37 AM [+] ::
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