:: Closing Time ::

:: Wednesday, May 29, 2002 ::

I want to clarify a few things. For several people who are certainly important enough to deserve clarity.

My blog... is basically a journal that I allow people to read. I don't censor anything, but it's NOT clearly thought out. I write things to write them, to get them out of my system. I say things so I don't have to -do- things. I use words to get emotions out.

A lot of the things said in my blog would never be said in public conversation. Because they wouldn't be appropriate; a lot of the generalizations I make here I make because they come to mind. I don't think about it. I just write, no edits, one take and I'm done.

Appropriate Eminem lyric:

"... If I fumble a verse keep going, first take I make mistakes - just keep it. No punches pulled, no punches, that's weak shit, fake shit. If I ever take shit I'll eat shit, if it wasn't for that wouldn't be shit."

I just write, I roll, get things out without asking questions. I can't think of a single thing in this blog that was direct at anybody, and then since it's ambient it's just.... about me letting out emotions.

I have to go to my trumpet lesson now. So I have to cut this short. But I want to make it clear that what's in my blog is -not- my sensible, logical, rational perception of the truth.


:: Peter 4:06 PM [+] ::
...

This is not going to be a happy blog. I'm warning you right now.

Why should it be though? It's not like I've got a whole lot of reason for it to be. What with my sometimes sort of not quite friends. Yeah, them. Should I say you? I don't know. You're sitting there reading this, and unless you're one of maybe -two- people you got a call or a message from me looking for something to do. And you ignored it, went out without me, and are off tooling around. As one person who so ironically called my cell, assuming I was in on the festivities and unsure of where to go, put it: "people were running around and meeting up at Mike's." Sounds like a fucking lot of fun..... and exactly what I tried to get people to do.

Which begs the question.

You don't know what question? Don't tell me you don't know. In some wording or another, you know.

What happened? -Who- happened? Was it deliberate? Was it accidental? Which is worse? How did I end up sitting here getting depressed as the people I keep trying to think are my friends are out partying?

More importantly, the question it doesn't beg. But the one I keep asking myself. This is a recurring pattern, it has seemed to happen all the time for the past year. Over and over again. Every time I ask myself a question.

Do I hate you, or do I hate myself? Because I feel something, and it's evil. It's angry. It's frustrated, volitile. If this is my fault, why doesn't somebody say something? Nobody has. If nobody has said anything, isn't it your fault?

What do I do.......... ?

Right now, I'd rather take my chances jumping in front of a moving van than going to your prom.

It's not my prom. Because it's certainly not "our" prom, because there's obviously no "us." Nothing in the world revolves around me, so it's not my prom. It must be yours. And again, no one invited me. Maybe I shouldn't go. Maybe I shouldn't go to graduation. Maybe I should be happy my family is probably moving this summer. Maybe I shouldn't come back. You obviously don't give a fuck what I do or how I feel. If you did, maybe in four years you would have shown some signs of caring.

So why should I?

:: Peter 8:30 PM [+] ::
...

.... this blog suddenly seemed unimportant after having written the one above it.
:: Peter 12:17 AM [+] ::
...

Today was interesting. Bought a lot of shaving cream; beep day is (duh) tomorrow. I was going to build a cannon for car firing, but I didn't realize until recently that the fight prefaces the the parade; they're not simultaneous. So balloons would have been the only option, and one we're embracing. But they don't break well on people. So straight up shaving cream fight is is.

But see, we had one of those last night. And it was really fun. Which makes me wonder why I always have to be excessive about things that are usually supposed to be fun and games; I take things too seriously.

I thought my portable hose was cool though. Was it worth the work? No. Was it worth the time? No. Did it detract from water day? No. Did it add that much? Not really.

Jay's stance was that such things detract from the fun. In some ways I think he may be right.

So we'll just go with SC tomorrow, and it'll be a blast.

This just in. People are talking about water balloons? Is that mixing issues too much? Will we do it?

Stay tuned...
:: Peter 11:05 PM [+] ::
...

The other day someone, who I shall refer to only as you-know-who, because you probably do, basically reflected that hune had been in a long term relationship for three and a half of the four years of high school.

I wonder how very, very, VERY different a person I would be had that been the case with me, and what a very different life I would have led.

I wonder if I would be happier.
:: Peter 1:35 AM [+] ::
...

Me: well, what fun stuff could we do?
Marion: umm.... I don't want to do anything reeeeallllly active...
Me: hmm... like what's reeeaally active?
Marion: I don't know.... like winning the World Cup?
:: Peter 5:48 PM [+] ::
...

Time for another exciting episode in my so called life.

So closing time is upon us; we're officially out. Classes are over. But I'm going back for a few reasons.

I have to record, with both groups. I have to go to beep day and the award's ceremony. I have to graduate. I have to buy a prom ticket.

Yes, you read that right. I'm going. And I'm even going to the dinner beforehand, because there will already be awkwardness and general "sort of"ness. Two sophomores, one of whom is the younger brother of my old best friend (and who is very cool), the other of whom I don't get along with at all. A couple, which has broken up, yet are still going together because from what I can tell neither of them really knows quite what else to do. I can't possibly make things that much worse, and I might get a good meal out of it. Picture taking time though; that will be awkward. Very awkward. Do I want to take my camera to prom?

I just deleted a section I don't want to talk about. Sometimes, I get a little too public with this blog.

It's funny. Of the four people I considered asking over the course of two months, two are going alone and two almost might as well be. What does this say? I have no idea.

I wish I knew who was reading this. Nobody tells me. I don't feel like going through the trouble of integrating a forum which I know nobody will use. Just email me. Or IM me. Or something, if you're going to do something at all.

I decided to go to prom ten minutes ago, and I'm already having second thoughts, doubts, everything. That's to be expected.
None of this should ever have happened.

I can tell myself that, but it doesn't make it true. I want it to be true, but I know it's not. It happened because of me. It has to be me. There's no way the entire world can be against me; it's just me. Fucking failure.



:: Peter 5:47 PM [+] ::
...

Hey so I just remembered blogger has a "team" function, in which I can allow other people to post on my blog. I'm thinking this would be really, really cool, so if you want access to post on my blog IM or mail me with your blogger username. And I will add you.
:: Peter 12:38 AM [+] ::
...

So I'm probably actually going to prom. Very soon I must decide if I want to go to Mike's dinner thing, and tell him. He's been remarkably patient and flexible given that I've been being a pain in the ass.

I bet you all are expecting a long, or at least reasonable explanation of why I currently think I'm going. Well you're not gonna get reasonable, and you hopefully won't get long.

I realized that bullshit is universal, and that despite probably not wanting to be there once I'm there, it will be better than -not- having been there and having to hear about it. I'm going to have to watch certain people get their flirt on and well, feel like something of an idiot. And I'm going to have to watch certain people fall flat on their faces and well, feel like an idiot and a failure and an ass at the same time. But hey. What are social events for? They're remarkably good at making me feel worthless, that's for sure. Betcha I'll do some prom physics. Shit, I'm very likely to consider relativity at prom. Hell, I'll give you a prom physics line right now (vaguely adjusted but generally stolen from the man himself, Albert Einstein): Ever notice how the enjoyable moments of prom dissapear in an instant and suddenly are no more, and yet the painful, heart wrenching ones seem to last an eternity? That's relativity.

You know what, I'm gonna come out and say it in writing, because it's 12:30 in the morning, I have purple primer and PVC cement all over my fingers, and given the similar treatment I've gotten from certain people I really just no longer care. I'm going to prom because I'm going to laugh my ass off at a certain "couple" who have been playing a game of cat and mouse with stun guns for years because one doesn't know when to quit and the other doesn't know when to call for quits. I'm going to laugh, and laugh, and then because I'm a sucker I know I'm going to try and bail them both out. And inevitably (it always happens) I'll be trying to help someone and BOTH will get mad at me. At which point I will tell myself fuck it, go off into a corner, and sit contemplating the meaning of life and existance. I will be upset that I do not have any alcohol, because in my depression I will want to be very, very drunk, until I hear a song which makes me angry enough at the world to go after it, or uplifting enough to make me forget, for a moment, why I was so depressed. Neither person involved in the situation will come to speak to me, or even give any signs that hune has realized what hune has done. It's likely hune doesn't give a fuck.

I build basically my fourth water cannon today. Water day, as Jay recalled, basically only lasts about 15 minutes. It seems we're putting way too much work into this, but I'll take it to the cape or gloucester or the beach or wherever people go this summer because it will be fucking cool.

If I'm invited.
:: Peter 12:36 AM [+] ::
...

Addendum: re-reading my blog, I realized I implied that "her" is Lauren.

Let me make something very clear

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
:: Peter 11:31 PM [+] ::
...

Here we go a'blogging again.

Tonight was Pops banquet; points of the night are as follows.

Jack was announced as a dancer instead of a singer, and was upset. I understand completely.
The roast went reasonably well, despite the fact that certain tidbits just didn't fly.
Sasha managed to pull off a miracle, all three groups he was "needed" for were just fine. (no, the combo didn't need him, despite all the bullshit Aaron threw at me. Who the fuck was right now? Sorry man but you were out of line tonight)
I talked about Chad, and didn't get to say most of what I wanted to. Like I said there though, how could I? He wasn't there, so hey. I said something, because I needed to.
Etc.
Lauren said today was the last chance to buy prom tickets, so again, supposedly, that decision has been made for me (not like I haven't basically made it). I remain skeptical.

Speaking of, he didn't ask her. Which, two days ago, meant I was going to. Except, these haven't been the best two days. So as usual, circumstance pushes me away. As for the other issue, well. Told a couple of people I was afraid to touch it with a 10 foot pole, and it was true. Which sucks, because I'd like to. But there are some things even I stay the fuck out of.

In the past week, Bonnie blogs, Alex (re)blogs, I blog, Sasha blogs. Who else jumped on this week? I'm not sure.

Does that tell you something about this week?

Speaking of, somehow Bonnie's blog has issues. I don't know why; I've never seen a blog with issues before. Maybe she's logging in and out of different accounts? I know she made a few to get them to work.

Song quote.

"Met a girl, thought she was grand. Fell in love, found out firsthand; it went well for a week or two, then it all came unglued.
In a trap, trip I can't grip; never thought I'd be the one who'd slip. Then I started to realize that I was living one big lie.
She fucking hates me. (trust)
She fucking hates me (la la la love)
I tried to hard and she tore my feelings like I had none
And ripped them away."
-Puddle of Mudd

"Are you listening?
Sing it back
I'm still running away
I won't play your
Hide and seek game
I was spinning free
With a little sweet
And simple numbing me
What a dizzy dance
This sweetness will not
Be concerned with me
No the sweetness will not
Be concerned with me"
-Jimmy Eat World

Hey, guess what. I'm really starting to hate myself.



:: Peter 11:29 PM [+] ::
...

So cut day was well..... not cut.

A couple of people got mad at me for being honest. So everyone else seems to think that it's standard practice for the class officers to inform the administation when ditch day is? And everyone else seems to think that teachers didn't -specifically- put things on this day, once they found out about it? Bullshit.

Teachers DON'T always find out. They usually don't. Our class has just had a fucking pathetic senior spring.

So that's all right, except our air cannon's first real tests were less than stellar. We've got a few days to work it out.

I sort of did and sort of didn't answer that question I thought might get answered. Basically, I got an answer, but not the one I wanted and not the way I expected. I highly, highly doubt you know what the question is.

I have a voice lesson in 15 minutes. I hate lessons. But Jack is dancing, so we couldn't do more tests anyhow. Alex and I could go get parts though. Harrumph.

Today is senior bonding night; for the guys that actually has the potential to be really cool. I could get excited over this. I think I'm gonna see if I can convince Sasha to go, but since we all know how social he is that tends to be quite the feat. But I'm quite the persistant one, so I'll try. Girls, well..... if you don't go to the clothing swap, go out and do something cool. Yeah, you kinda got shafted (as far as I'm concerned) by the members of the activities committee.

It seems it might have been better to have a bonding night at the beginning of the year.

Tomorrow is service day; this means landscaping. Something I really, really don't want to do, but I signed up with a bunch of fun people to work around here. At least I'll be with friends, in the sun. And doing something good.

Kessel is in the other room drumming, practicing for his audition as a "rhythm section" (they don't have guitar or piano) for jazz band with Todd. The sad reality is that they both suck. Nikolai will be the pianist next year and we'll ahve the same rhythm section; I HIGHLY doubt Evan will be called up. As much as he insists that he's better than Aaron, that's bullshit. Aaron's really good, has a positive attitude, and gets a great sound out of the bass. Nikolai; well, he's not Chris, but it's not fair to compare anybody to Chris. I've only heard him play a bit and he sounds more than good enough, plus he's a cool kid, if quiet. Rhythm section will be fine.

Losing Jess is a big deal for this band; Jenny will still be playing lead and anybody who's heard her especially this year knows she's really good, but Jess has a rare combination in musicians: quite a bit of natural talent, and an incredible work ethic. She practices constantly; I'm hoping I'll get a chance to see her perform as a senior, cause she's going to be off the hook. Our sax section in general should be pretty good though; I figure Lauren DeNatale will come up. What would jazz band be without a Deno?

Trumpets.... well, yeah. Adam, Jordan, Charlie, Bergin? Who knows. Won't be anywhere near what we had these past three years but how could it be? We were playing together for three years, the five of us just clicked. It won't be as bad as we've made it out to be though. Adam is really opening up as a lead player, and is finally willing to just cut loose and wail. Section will do ok.

Trombones.... well, if Joe persists in not practicing, listening, or thinking (which, knowing Joe, he will) he won't get any better, and he's really holding the section back. A section with a crappy lead player is a crappy section.

That's everyone. Overall, I think the band has the potential to be pretty damn good again, but next time I'll explain Rice Street. WIth only 7 members returning, they're in some trouble. I'll miss them, and as much as there have been occasional major disagreements between a certain alto and myself, the seven of them really mean something to me. It's a fun family in there, and that's really what it's become. I'm almost as close to Rice Street as I am to the first trumpet section, and I've only been with them for two years.

Time for my lesson. Gotta fly. (jeez, I blog long)


:: Peter 3:10 PM [+] ::
...

I'm very, very quickly realizing just how liberating these things are. I can say things here that maybe I wouldn't have the strength to say elsewhere, or to the right people, or to all the people.

Like how I realized that when I was with Ashley, I kind of cut off a lot of other female connections. Was that me trying to be loyal? Basically. Was that me being fucking dumb, and cutting off a lot of friends? Absolutely. In those five months I basically forgot to show everyone how much I cared about them.

Y'know, I don't think I've told anybody what happened between me and Ashley. Probably because it sounds like bullshit, but I'm almost 100% sure it's not. I'll cut to the chase; from day one, her friends didn't like me. I kinda got the feeling that my friends didn't like her, but I said fuck that, they just don't know her. I tried to make that end work.... wheras she just decided to keep me away from them, and them away from me. So the animosity towards me grew, especially as I took more of her time. Exact words, "[Friend] doesn't like sharing me." I was like, what the fuck, are you or are you not your own person? I couldn't say it though. So eventually her friends told her it was me or them, and she chose them. Then three days later she tells me she made a huge mistake and we get back together, but sort of in secret as far as she's concerned, but I say I can't do that and so she says ok, I'll deal with them. Well, she didn't deal with them and when it came to the point where to satisfy her friends we couldn't be together in public I said I can't handle that. So she said goodbye.

Tough break? Yeah. Tougher still that I basically had to/have to (since some of them basically still have shut me out) remake my friends at the end of my senior year. I don't know why a lot of them left me; did I do something wrong? Don't you think you could have fucking told me, or said something, instead of just shutting the door?

Moral of the story: Maybe what I felt tonight was me finally reaching out and trying to make friends again. But it is now the 20th, and it just seems like too little, too late. T minus 5, and T minus 10.

And counting.
:: Peter 12:47 AM [+] ::
...

I fixed my blog. We went to the fireworks. Nobody is doing senior ditch day.

Tonight, I caught myself. And I have no idea why. I was doing what I was doing. In some ways I didn't feel like myself.... in some ways I felt more like myself. Either way, I didn't care, which was progress. I guess.

Tomorrow I find out if I'm gonna do it. Don't ask what, just yet.

I think I'll say some hellos to people who seemed to need hellos tonight. Bons, Katie, Natalie, maybe even Jay. Not Marion, certainly not Marion. Sort of Sasha? Sort of not.

It's technically already tomorrow. Today, nobody ditches, maybe I play with my air cannon, and maybe I find out what I'm going to maybe do. Ambiguiuty, thy name is blog.
:: Peter 12:38 AM [+] ::
...

:: Peter 12:15 AM [+] ::
...

So I finally did it..... I gave in to blogging. I can't believe anybody would actually read this; I know I don't usually read other people's. But I read one today which was being used well, and I thought I'd try. I ought to be able to say anything here, things I don't want to really have to say.

To be honest, I really don't want to be leaving. Yes, I dislike this school and high school, but I'm scared half to death of losing my friends. Sometimes I feel the people who I want to be better friends with aren't my friends at all. Sometimes I think I'd be right.

Case in point. Nobody ever IMs me anymore. Years ago, people would randomly IM me and we'd just talk. Now, it seems nobody does. And anybody I ever try to talk to is talking to somebody else. I've only ever loved two things in life; music, and people. The phone doesn't ring, and now nobody IMs me. It's odd, it's hard. I never talk to a lot of people I'd like to.

It's hard to believe it's really ending, and this soon. And it's hard to believe this prom shit. Maybe that deserves its own post, but this is going to be a long one and you can deal. It looks like I'm not going to prom; funny, because I really wanted to. Everyone just tells me to go alone, well maybe, just maybe people don't know me.

In 18 years, I don't think anybody once has picked up on that insecurity. At least nobody has told me.

Prom. I can't even type the word. I bookmarked the poll I put up (http://talon.dnsalias.com/poll/test.php) and put it on my task bar, and I had to change "prom" to "morp" because I didn't want to talk to my mother about it. I've had to turn away a lot of people, because I don't want to talk about it. Basically what it comes down to is that I was going to ask somebody, hell I might have asked somebody else, but yet SOMEHOW people decided that everyone should know before vacation. Funny, because I decided -not- to ask her before vacation because I thought she might feel awkward. Shows what the fuck I know. Asked a friend from out of town; she couldn't go because she got into trouble with her family. I didn't go to anything after cotillion this year. I wish I knew why; if I at least definitively knew it was me I could go drown my sorrows. But was it my girlfriend? Was it somebody else? I don't know. Do people basically just leave me out? It's been known to feel that way. I was honestly surprised, and (especially if you're reading this) appreciative when I got invited to dinner before prom. Despite the fact that I'm probably not going. But at this point the last thing I need is another hack at that insecurity; dinner with 10 friends, all sort of coupled. There's a reason you can't put an odd number of people at a dinner table neatly.

Blog on, I said to myself. Blog on.

I think about who knows me, who knows things about me. Who I've talked to. I wonder if anybody knows where I went to camp, and what I did there. I wonder if anyone knows what I waste all my time doing. I wonder if anyone cares.

This blog is getting too long.
:: Peter 12:14 AM [+] ::
...